I Trust You, Daddy

I trust you daddy

My Daddy dom and I have been exploring our dynamic lately. We’ve been together for almost a year, and there’s a sense of wanting to try new things, as well as of wanting to see where we want to take this. Part of this is trying more intense D/s things that we weren’t ready for before, like consensual non-consent scenes, having a list of rules, and choking me out. Recently, my Daddy said something about choking me that surprised me: he told me that he trusts me enough to do it. I had to stop and think about that idea for a minute, cause I’d never really heard it put quite that way before. I feel like the common discourse in the kink world is all about the bottom trusting the top. And sure, you have to trust someone at least a bit to let them restrain you or hurt you, or anything like that. But it does go both ways.

This probably shouldn’t have struck me as much as it did, because I have been on both sides of this coin. It’s a heady rush of power and adrenaline to be allowed to choke or hit someone, to know that they trust you not to actually damage them. But it also requires that you trust your sub: that you know they’ll speak up or safeword when they need to, that they really want this and are actually enjoying it, that they won’t hate you or judge you because you like hurting them. Nobody goes into kink with nothing to lose.

Kink isn’t only a giant elaborate trust exercise, but for me, that’s certainly part of it. It’s like a game of faith, of stretching the boundaries in how far you can depend on someone. How hard can we push this? How far can we take it? Do you trust me to catch you? How much power can we exchange between us? Can we bend this without breaking it?

Can I trust you with what I really want? There’s an intensity and an intimacy in breaking the ordinary rules for behavior. There’s a defiance to asking for something that would usually be understood as bad, unpleasant, painful, or humiliating. There’s such vulnerability there, both in admitting you want to be the victim of something “bad” and in admitting you want to be the perpetrator.

There’s a reason that I, as well as many other kinksters, don’t feel comfortable getting into anything D/s with someone we haven’t established a rapport or connection with. Even admitting the things I want feels like being naked, to say nothing of the practical trust needed to actually work our way through a scene together. But when you do find that trust, that connection, that mutual willingness to push the limits of acceptable behavior into the deepest darkest secrets of what you actually want? It’s a kind of terrifyingly beautiful magic. It’s a sort of miracle to be able to say (and to be able to show through kink) that I trust my Daddy, with my whole heart.

Advertisements

The Daddy Diaries: Getting Into Headspaces

words and toys 1

One of my very favorite things about kink is the intense, wonderful headspaces that it can create: things like subspace, little space, top space. These spaces involve being in an altered state of consciousness, and for me that can sometimes be very intense. Today I wanted to talk a bit about how I get into my headspaces, and what kind of things help me really access that mental state.

First up: dirty talk. Dirty talk has always been one of my favorite things. It only makes sense, I suppose, I’ve always been a reader and a person who loves words and stories and written smut is my absolute favorite type of porn. One of my previous partners and I were both huge fans of dirty talk and ageplay. When either of us were feeling little, we would change our dirty talk accordingly so that it fit with our headspaces. I don’t typically use a lot of euphemisms in normal conversation. We’re all adults here, and there’s no reason to avoid the word “vulva” or the phrase “anal sex.” But for a person in little space, it can be really difficult or feel really wrong to use adult words. While euphemisms are entirely inappropriate in certain contexts, like sex ed, they can also really help me get into and stay in my little space. So sex  becomes “playtime,””dirty talk” becomes “bedtime stories.”  When I’m feeling really little, it’s hard to ask for what I want, in addition to not wanting to say things that are out of character for my little girl persona. What does feel in persona is asking my Daddy for a bedtime story and talking about how I want to play.

Headspaces are strange, bizarre things, and sometimes weird shit is required to get into them. One time, I was late to a sex date because I got into my pastel little girl dress, realized my impressively hairy legs clashed terribly with the persona I was trying to inhabit, and proceeded to shave my legs while perched on top of the bathroom sink. I hardly ever shave my legs, because usually having leg hair doesn’t bother me in the slightest. As I was trying to get into character, though? It created a huge amount of cognitive dissonance and I just had to get rid of it. I’ve found that the easiest thing to do in these situations is just roll with it, and do what makes me feel most comfortable in my persona. Even if it involves shaving one’s legs into a bathroom sink.

In my personal experience, there’s one thing that influences my headspace above all others. The thing that’s most likely to get me into (or shake me out of) a headspace is the way my partner is acting. If someone is acting like my caregiver, chances are I’ll drop into little space like a stone. If someone is being sweet and little, especially if they’re being a bit bratty, hi, hello, here comes mama. Treat me like a normal adult, have regular adult conversations, and I’m going to stay in regular adult headspace.

As with the rest of kink, figuring out my headspaces and what works for me has been a bit of an adventure and a lot of trial and error. I’m still figuring out exactly how all of my headspaces feel, and what kind of things can enhance them. In this as in most things, I’m in the middle of my experience, not at the end.

What kind of headspaces have you experienced? What helps you stay in them?

This is the fourth installment in The Daddy Diaries, a miniseries on Daddy/Mommy kink, ageplay, my kink roles, and what they mean to me.

Fanfiction Roundup: Daddy Kink

pocket penis 1a

I’ve waxed poetic about my love for Daddy/Mommy kink from both sides and talked about how it feels to switch in between those two roles. Now I want to share some of my favorite Daddy kink fanfictions! As with many kinks, there are all kinds of different flavors and varieties of Daddy kink, and I’ve tried to include several of them. Without any further ado:

  1. Whatever You Say, Daddy by Triangulum (Teen Wolf): In which Lydia is tired of clumsy young boys and goes in search of a daddy who knows what they’re doing. She ends up with two. This is the classic “young slut tries to seduce older man, gets more than she bargained for” scenario. I love a good double penetration scene, and Lydia discovering how much she loves being her daddies’ fuck doll. Also, the “daddy knows best, only daddy knows how to take care of you” angle is just excellent.
  2. Family Man by Skull4601 (The Avengers): The Avengers are a poly family that roleplay as an actual family. Steve is the team dad, Thor is his housewife, Clint is a teenager, Tony is the precocious ten year old, Bruce is a little kid, and Natasha’s the baby. This one is less porn and more feelings, and talks a lot about what each of the characters get out of their respective roles. I love that, I love how much sense it makes that Tony would want to be a clever kid again and Steve would want to take care of people. I can really relate to feeling like you need a kink role on a deep emotional level.
  3. How Close is Close? by Julibean19 (Teen Wolf): Jackson and Stiles reconnect in a BDSM club. Jackson figures out that Stiles could use a daddy and volunteers for the job. I totally relate to Stiles’ feelings about being sick of being the adult all the time and just wanting someone who cares as much as he does. Featuring clothed/naked shenanigans, possessiveness, and the very pinnacle of gentle, loving domination.
  4. Take Me Home by Not_You (The Avengers): This one is part of a larger series, but I feel like the porn makes sense on its own. Set in a D/s universe, Nick Fury is a jaded dom and Natasha is a traumatized but recovering sub. He takes her home, she calls him daddy, the rest is history (and porn). I love how earnestly submissive Natasha is here, how much she really wants to please her daddy and how much she cares that he’s comfortable and happy. There’s a focus here on how much trust and care a dynamic like this requires, and it gives me feelings.
  5. Daddies Dearest by razielim (Percy Jackson): Nico is a bratty baby who knows just how to get what he wants from his daddies. I have definitely pulled the “dress in a provocative outfit and act like an innocent child who has no idea why their big is so wound up” game. It’s a fun game. Also, spitroasting.
  6. Proper Playground Behavior by Not_You (Hannibal): This is also part of a larger series but works well as a standalone. Hannibal and Will are in an established relationship, and Will works up the courage to ask about ageplay and wanting to go to an ageplay event at the BDSM club they frequent. There’s lots of nonsexual ageplay like coloring and making snacks for little one, and also Hannibal being the brattiest little ever and jumping Will’s bones. Overall, it’s a great balance of the two. Beware mentions of cannibalism play, but nothing on-screen.
  7. Teenage Dream (Like I’m Livin’ a) by sullacat (The Avengers): One of my favorite things about fanfiction is all of the tropes where characters get in a weird contrived situation where they have to pretend to be in love and then catch feelings. Seriously, we have invented so many storylines to put our favorite characters through this angsty and incredibly unlikely scenario. Darcy has to go undercover as a little, and Clint has to pretend to be her daddy. So of course, they have to practice pretending to be in a dynamic. And they have to cultivate tumblrs full of ddlg porn. And of course Darcy has to suck Clint’s cock- because they need a distraction, not because she wants to. Let the fake relationship feels begin!
  8. Dyke Daddy Derek Hale by Spitshine (Teen Wolf): Who needs gender roles? Not femme leather daddy Derek or nonbinary slut Stiles. To be fair, if I met a femme leather daddy in a bar who was hard packing, I would probably also want to blow them in an alleyway. Stiles lifts their skirt and gets fucked up against a wall in that alleyway while strangers watch. Pure glorious genderfuckery leather daddy porn.
  9. Babies by Not_You (The Avengers): More poly Avengers family! In this one, Bruce is everyone’s daddy and there are many orgies. Pepper sometimes plays big sister, and sometimes she’s Mama, which makes my heart happy. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find mommy domme porn? Seriously, there isn’t nearly enough, and if you know of any good fanfics with mommy dommes, let me know. I love all the precious babies and sweetness and caretaking in this fic, it’s adorable.

 

 

The Daddy Diaries: On Switching

switch

After sharing a bit about both of my kink roles as a little girl and a Mommy Domme, I want to talk about switching. Being a switch is a bit odd sometimes. It can be strange, to so fully inhabit such drastically different roles. And yet, each of them feels right, and necessary, and good, and if you read my other pieces you know how important each of my roles are to me. It still surprises me sometimes that two wholly different headspaces can exist inside the same person. It feels contradictory.

When I get deep in a headspace it doesn’t occur to me that the other one exists. I’m not thinking about being in control while I’m on my knees in a collar. It doesn’t feel, in the moment, that I could be anything other than what I am right now. I’m too busy enjoying my role to consider that the pliant little boy in my arms was whipping me yesterday. After the moment, that’s when I think about it. That’s when I see how odd this must look from an outside perspective, like we can’t make up our minds or that we must be weirdly good at compartmentalizing. Maybe that last bit is true, I don’t know.

I do this thing sometimes where if I spend a decent amount of time in one role, or have a particularly intense scene in that role, the next day I’ll start craving the other role. It’s like the universe demands balance. I like this about the universe. I like the idea that my subconscious knows I need multiple kinds of emotional fulfillment, and pushes me to get it. I like that whichever role I’m playing, there will be love and nurturing and cherishing. I like that for us, ageplay lends itself to sweetness and caretaking, and that we can take care of each other in this way.

I definitely fall into my subby headspace more often than my dommy one. When I’m stressed or anxious or tired or otherwise craving comfort, I get little. To be dommy, I have to feel comfortable and un-stressed and awake. Dom me needs more brainpower and control and confidence. Luckily for me, my current partner is the opposite: he needs to feel comfortable, unstressed and safe to go into little space, and stress makes him want to take control of something he can control (namely, me). I’m stressed more often than not, thanks to my ambitious neurotic personality, so domspace is just harder for me to reach. Sometimes a good session of subbing will relax me enough that then a few hours after I’ll be able to dom. I dunno man, headspaces are weird and dynamic.

Sometimes I get imposter sydrome about being a switch. I’ll wonder if I’m just pretending to be a switch, or if I should just stick to one role. The thing is, I don’t have to. There’s no reason I shouldn’t embody both of my roles. I love being a switch who’s dating a switch because it gives me opportunity to do just that. I have nothing against switches who date people who aren’t switches, but I do think that for me, personally, the world is a much happier place when I can switch between headspaces.

I can’t imagine not being a switch. I love that it opens up so many worlds to explore. I love that I can try things from both sides and that I can understand my partner’s headspace better, having occupied a similar headspace myself. I love the balance of getting to switch back and forth with my partner. It feels right and good and whole, and my identity as a switch is just as important to me as my other two kink identities.

This is the third installment in The Daddy Diaries, a series on Daddy/Mommy kink, ageplay, my kink roles, and what they mean to me.

The Daddy Diaries: Little Girl

collar-and-paci

Life feels like a power struggle to me. I fight every day to be in control, grasping for a firm footing in this world. I do all I can to stay in charge and in control and to keep my emotions in check and play by the rules. I have to be fierce and strong and on top of things all the time so that I don’t screw them up or get screwed over, and it’s exhausting. It’s such a relief to let someone else be in charge and trust that they won’t let me down, that for an hour at least I can let someone else make the decisions and not have to be smart or strong. I’m so tired of trying to be in charge of my life, of making plans and lists and contingencies and still getting sideswiped by circumstance. Curling up in a onesie and sucking a paci and being held by someone who loves me dearly, these are things that belong to someone who doesn’t have to worry about the world or about trying to carve out a foothold in it. Someone like that can just enjoy tactile sensations without having to think about them. That person is safe and loved and will never be otherwise.

Wanting someone else to be in charge applies to all kinds of submission, of course. For me, there’s something special about ageplay. Between a child and their caretaker there’s such a complete helplessness, and ideally, total trust and love. I want to feel smaller than, less than, and know that’s just fine, that’s not a bad thing, it’s just the way it is. I want to be nurtured and loved and cared for, coddled and treated gently, and know that I’m not in charge and that’s okay. I crave a loving kind of submission, a sweet kind of dominance to submit to.

When I’m little, I also feel physically small, like the world is too big. My mind is usually so busy and frantic, overthinking and worrying and constantly spewing thoughts. It shrinks down to the world immediately surrounding me. Physical sensations feel all-encompassing, emotions are intense, my whole universe is Daddy’s arms. I desperately want to be good and safe and comforted. Everything comes in fuzzy waves and it’s all so much. I’m a little helpless and a lot needy. It’s like all the needs and wants I bury in order to be a functional adult come to the surface and get to be addressed. I admit how much I desperately want to be loved.

Little space is like a floating bubble of soft fuzzy light. It’s a lack of having to constantly inhibit myself. I don’t have to control myself because I have someone who will do it for me. I’m so very bad at being content. I’m too ambitious, too antsy, too restless, too dysthymic.  I work too hard and I have a hard time relaxing. Little me can relax. Little me is better at being content. Little me is content to be still and know that I am loved. And really, that’s all I need sometimes.

This is the second installment in The Daddy Diaries, a series on Daddy/Mommy kink, ageplay, my kink roles, and what they mean to me.

The Daddy Diaries: Mommy Domme

jaguar-harness-1a

My favorite part is when he lets me finger him. I make him ask for what he wants, even though it embarrasses him. I want to hear him say how much he wants his Mommy, how empty he feels, how much he wants me to fuck him. I like rolling him onto his side while I finger him. He looks so vulnerable and small, all curled up in the fetal position, his cute little butt poking out so I can reach it. I tell him : “Mommy’s going to take good care of you,” and I’ve never meant anything more. He’s so open and exposed and trusting, god, so trusting, and it makes me want to keep him safe and close and never let anything hurt that trust.

I pull on the black gloves and open up the lube he likes best for butt stuff, tease around his hole with my wet finger. It’s to get him ready and comfortable, but also because I love making him wait. I love making him desperate. I love telling him that Mommy’s going to make him feel good if he just waits patiently like a good boy. Mommy know what’s best for you, Mommy knows what you need. I slowly slip one finger inside, and he lets out a breathy little gasp. If I’ve told him he can, his hand is wrapped around his cock, arm curled into his side. He moves his fingers and I move mine, fucking in a slow, even rhythm. With my left hand, I pet his naked back. I murmur how good he’s being, he’s taking it so well. He lets out a few small noises that are part whimper, part moan, and they excite me. I love how much he loves this, being slowly taken apart, lying back and doing as he’s told and getting rewarded for it.

I start thrusting very quickly, as fast as my arm can move, because I know he likes it and because it makes him make little keening noises that tell me it’s overwhelming, in the good way. He likes the way it feels, and I know I can do it exactly the way that will make him fall apart. He’s told me that he likes it better when I do it, that when he plays with his own hole it feels good, but not as good as when Mommy does it. It’s more fun for him when he’s not in control, when he doesn’t know what’s coming next. So I make it fun. I change the rhythm, go from short, quick, thrusts to deep slow long ones, taking advantage of the angle to push my finger in all the way down to my hand. I switch between fingers, playing with how much size I’ll give him. I give him just my fingertip, then the entire length. I giggle when I manage to surprise him, when he gasps at the sudden change and then keens because I’ve made him feel so good. I delight in how he lets me do whatever I want to his pretty hole, feel a rush of power from how in control I am. There’s also deep pressure to be nurturing, to use that power to make him feel good, to make him happy that he lets me do as I please with him. Mommy always gives her baby what he needs.

I slip his plug in while I grab my harness, so he doesn’t have to feel empty for even a moment. I watch him watch me as I pull the buttery soft leather strap taught and buckle it, his eyes big with anticipation. I pour lube on the dildo and stroke it with my fist a few times, as though it were my own cock. “Are you ready for Mommy to fuck you, little one?” He’s eager and excited, and I tell him to get on all fours. I line myself up behind him and work the plug out, replace it with the dildo and slide in to the hilt. I tell him to touch his pretty cock, that he can come whenever he wants while Mommy’s fucking him. I grip his hips with my hands and try to keep an even pace that’s fast enough to drive him crazy. I wonder if I could leave little fingerprint bruises on his hips, if he would know they’re little messages of how much his Mommy loves him. He’s lost in it and I love to watch him like this. He comes and I keep thrusting as he spills out onto the sheets, making a beautiful mess. What a good boy you are, I tell him. You did so well, I’m so proud of you.

I pull out and slip out of my harness, and he collapses on his side with a groan. I lie down on my back and pull him close so that his head is on my chest and my arms are around him. I want to keep him touching me, keep him close and safe. I pet his hair and his back and kiss his forehead as he breathes deeply, still in a hazy afterglow. I feel so close to him in this moment, like he’s opened himself up to me. He lets me take him apart and put him back together again, and trusts that I’ll keep him safe while I do. It’s astonishingly intimate, that kind of surrender from another human being. He murmurs out “You’re the best Mommy ever” and I laugh, but inside those words give me a surge of happiness. I adore this feeling, this loving, nurturing, powerful feeling that I get, and I love getting to be his Mommy Domme.

This is the first installment in The Daddy Diaries, a series on Daddy/Mommy kink, ageplay, my kink roles, and what they mean to me.