Tantus Little Flirt Review

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If you’ve read my other butt plug reviews, you may recall that I’ve been searching for the perfect everyday plug for quite some time now. For me, the perfect everyday plug would be easy to insert, stay put, not dry out too quickly, be comfortable for long term wear, and still provide some kind of sensation. I gotta say, the Tantus Little Flirt comes pretty darn close.

If you aren’t aware, I have strong feelings about butt plug bases.  The Little Flirt has the same anchor style base as the Tantus Neo, and I love it. It’s small, unobtrusive, and comfortable. It also has the same silky smooth texture as the Neo, which I also love. It’s soft and luscious and causes much less friction than either a glossy or a matte finish. If Tantus ever makes a dildo with this finish, I’ll be first in line. This is the updated version of the Little Flirt, and I think it’s a great decision Tantus is redesigning all their butt plugs to have this “satin” finish and the anchor base- it makes for really good butt plugs.

It’s a very small plug, with a max diameter of 0.8″. Tantus calls it “beginner friendly” and I have to agree. The diminutive size paired with the tapered tip and gentle increase and decrease in size makes it ideal for someone who’s just getting started with this whole butt stuff thing. My butt quite enjoys being stretched, so I was more looking for a plug for warm up and casual wear.

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I was really missing having a very small plug for warming up; it makes life a lot easier. Sometimes I can take the njoy Pure Plug Medium with no warm up, some days it’s uncomfortably large and firm without a solid warm up. The Little Flirt fills this niche in my toybox perfectly. It’s really easy to insert due to shape and texture. I let it stay there for a while as I get more aroused and get used to the feeling of something up my butt, and then I can take it out and move on to something bigger. There is a flipside to this: If I leave it in my butt while masturbating, there usually comes a point where I’m so turned on and relaxed that it doesn’t give me much sensation anymore. Also, I don’t always need it. There was one day when I pulled out the Little Flirt to be a warmup plug, and ended up skipping directly from fingers to my Neo. My butt was being a champ that day and didn’t need that extra warming up step. Butts are fickle, and I like having multiple sizes around so I can easily cater to my butt’s unpredictable whims.

So how does this plug fare for casual wear? Well, I’ve worn it around the house, doing dishes, sitting, etc. It went pretty well. It doesn’t stay in place quite as snugly as a front-loaded plug with more of a bulb shape. The bottom half of the plug and the neck kind of meld together, and the larger middle can slide down a little, prompting me to push it back all the way into my butt. I find that sitting straight on it puts uncomfortable pressure on my insides, so I tend to avoid sitting directly on the center of my butt while wearing it. The Little Flirt is very comfortable to wear for long periods of time, without getting pokey or an unpleasant too-much-stretching feeling. The silicone toy + water based lube combo does dry out fairly quickly and I occasionally need to remove it to reapply lube. You might remember from my njoy Pure Plug review that I loved the Pure Plug for intense stimulation, but for walking around, it didn’t feel like it was going to stay in and quickly became uncomfortable. The Little Flirt is pretty much the opposite of that. It’s easy to insert, doesn’t feel very intense, and stays put and feels comfortable while walking around.

This plug is great if you’re new to butt stuff, prefer small toys anally, need a warm up toy, or want something to wear while you fold laundry. If you need something larger, try the Tantus Neo, and if you’re looking for G-spot/prostate stimulation, try the njoy Pure Plugs. The Little Flirt is a comfortable, reliable little plug, and I’m happy to have it in my collection. You can find the Little Flirt at Tantus and SheVibe!

The Daddy Diaries: Little Girl

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Life feels like a power struggle to me. I fight every day to be in control, grasping for a firm footing in this world. I do all I can to stay in charge and in control and to keep my emotions in check and play by the rules. I have to be fierce and strong and on top of things all the time so that I don’t screw them up or get screwed over, and it’s exhausting. It’s such a relief to let someone else be in charge and trust that they won’t let me down, that for an hour at least I can let someone else make the decisions and not have to be smart or strong. I’m so tired of trying to be in charge of my life, of making plans and lists and contingencies and still getting sideswiped by circumstance. Curling up in a onesie and sucking a paci and being held by someone who loves me dearly, these are things that belong to someone who doesn’t have to worry about the world or about trying to carve out a foothold in it. Someone like that can just enjoy tactile sensations without having to think about them. That person is safe and loved and will never be otherwise.

Wanting someone else to be in charge applies to all kinds of submission, of course. For me, there’s something special about ageplay. Between a child and their caretaker there’s such a complete helplessness, and ideally, total trust and love. I want to feel smaller than, less than, and know that’s just fine, that’s not a bad thing, it’s just the way it is. I want to be nurtured and loved and cared for, coddled and treated gently, and know that I’m not in charge and that’s okay. I crave a loving kind of submission, a sweet kind of dominance to submit to.

When I’m little, I also feel physically small, like the world is too big. My mind is usually so busy and frantic, overthinking and worrying and constantly spewing thoughts. It shrinks down to the world immediately surrounding me. Physical sensations feel all-encompassing, emotions are intense, my whole universe is Daddy’s arms. I desperately want to be good and safe and comforted. Everything comes in fuzzy waves and it’s all so much. I’m a little helpless and a lot needy. It’s like all the needs and wants I bury in order to be a functional adult come to the surface and get to be addressed. I admit how much I desperately want to be loved.

Little space is like a floating bubble of soft fuzzy light. It’s a lack of having to constantly inhibit myself. I don’t have to control myself because I have someone who will do it for me. I’m so very bad at being content. I’m too ambitious, too antsy, too restless, too dysthymic.  I work too hard and I have a hard time relaxing. Little me can relax. Little me is better at being content. Little me is content to be still and know that I am loved. And really, that’s all I need sometimes.

This is the second installment in The Daddy Diaries, a series on Daddy/Mommy kink, ageplay, my kink roles, and what they mean to me.

The Daddy Diaries: Mommy Domme

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My favorite part is when he lets me finger him. I make him ask for what he wants, even though it embarrasses him. I want to hear him say how much he wants his Mommy, how empty he feels, how much he wants me to fuck him. I like rolling him onto his side while I finger him. He looks so vulnerable and small, all curled up in the fetal position, his cute little butt poking out so I can reach it. I tell him : “Mommy’s going to take good care of you,” and I’ve never meant anything more. He’s so open and exposed and trusting, god, so trusting, and it makes me want to keep him safe and close and never let anything hurt that trust.

I pull on the black gloves and open up the lube he likes best for butt stuff, tease around his hole with my wet finger. It’s to get him ready and comfortable, but also because I love making him wait. I love making him desperate. I love telling him that Mommy’s going to make him feel good if he just waits patiently like a good boy. Mommy know what’s best for you, Mommy knows what you need. I slowly slip one finger inside, and he lets out a breathy little gasp. If I’ve told him he can, his hand is wrapped around his cock, arm curled into his side. He moves his fingers and I move mine, fucking in a slow, even rhythm. With my left hand, I pet his naked back. I murmur how good he’s being, he’s taking it so well. He lets out a few small noises that are part whimper, part moan, and they excite me. I love how much he loves this, being slowly taken apart, lying back and doing as he’s told and getting rewarded for it.

I start thrusting very quickly, as fast as my arm can move, because I know he likes it and because it makes him make little keening noises that tell me it’s overwhelming, in the good way. He likes the way it feels, and I know I can do it exactly the way that will make him fall apart. He’s told me that he likes it better when I do it, that when he plays with his own hole it feels good, but not as good as when Mommy does it. It’s more fun for him when he’s not in control, when he doesn’t know what’s coming next. So I make it fun. I change the rhythm, go from short, quick, thrusts to deep slow long ones, taking advantage of the angle to push my finger in all the way down to my hand. I switch between fingers, playing with how much size I’ll give him. I give him just my fingertip, then the entire length. I giggle when I manage to surprise him, when he gasps at the sudden change and then keens because I’ve made him feel so good. I delight in how he lets me do whatever I want to his pretty hole, feel a rush of power from how in control I am. There’s also deep pressure to be nurturing, to use that power to make him feel good, to make him happy that he lets me do as I please with him. Mommy always gives her baby what he needs.

I slip his plug in while I grab my harness, so he doesn’t have to feel empty for even a moment. I watch him watch me as I pull the buttery soft leather strap taught and buckle it, his eyes big with anticipation. I pour lube on the dildo and stroke it with my fist a few times, as though it were my own cock. “Are you ready for Mommy to fuck you, little one?” He’s eager and excited, and I tell him to get on all fours. I line myself up behind him and work the plug out, replace it with the dildo and slide in to the hilt. I tell him to touch his pretty cock, that he can come whenever he wants while Mommy’s fucking him. I grip his hips with my hands and try to keep an even pace that’s fast enough to drive him crazy. I wonder if I could leave little fingerprint bruises on his hips, if he would know they’re little messages of how much his Mommy loves him. He’s lost in it and I love to watch him like this. He comes and I keep thrusting as he spills out onto the sheets, making a beautiful mess. What a good boy you are, I tell him. You did so well, I’m so proud of you.

I pull out and slip out of my harness, and he collapses on his side with a groan. I lie down on my back and pull him close so that his head is on my chest and my arms are around him. I want to keep him touching me, keep him close and safe. I pet his hair and his back and kiss his forehead as he breathes deeply, still in a hazy afterglow. I feel so close to him in this moment, like he’s opened himself up to me. He lets me take him apart and put him back together again, and trusts that I’ll keep him safe while I do. It’s astonishingly intimate, that kind of surrender from another human being. He murmurs out “You’re the best Mommy ever” and I laugh, but inside those words give me a surge of happiness. I adore this feeling, this loving, nurturing, powerful feeling that I get, and I love getting to be his Mommy Domme.

This is the first installment in The Daddy Diaries, a series on Daddy/Mommy kink, ageplay, my kink roles, and what they mean to me.

Fanfiction Roundup: Femslash

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As much as I adore fanfiction, the community of fandom, and the wide variety of wonderful smut that is created, I gotta say: there’s a severe lack of femslash. This is a weird problem to have, and at least part of the reason for it is that most popular media is severely lacking in female characters. For femslash fanfic to happen, you need at least two female characters who are remotely compatible with each other, and many shows just don’t have that. Nevertheless, my queer ass has dug feverishly through the archives to bring you all some great lady on lady action. Let’s begin!

  1. We’re Friends When You’re On Your Knees by narceus (Teen Wolf): Lydia helps Allison de-stress by tying her up and giving her massages, and it turns out they both love the D/s of it all. I’m in love with the platonic bondage and the “oops we’re in a kink dynamic without planning on it.” The latter has definitely happened to me a few times. There’s a decent amount of plot in this one, mostly revolving around discovering power exchange and how much it helps them. Let’s just say I can relate.
  2. Straw and Roses by sapphocles (Harry Potter): This one is an adorably sweet and fluffy first-time fic. It’s so realistic how Ginny’s so captivated by and curious about Luna. And Luna pulls a fricken “I want to check you for ticks” schtick, except with Drawuths, and it’s hilarious and smoothly effective all at the same time. What can I say, I like porn with feelings sometimes.
  3. Solstice by battle_cat (Mad Max Fury Road): It’s New Year’s Eve, and Toast and Furiosa kiss at midnight and then go bang each other. Sexual tension, nervous excitement, intense horniness and muffling sex noises so the others don’t hear ensues. This is just some excellent fingerbanging, y’all.
  4. extra credit by kim47 (Teen Wolf): This one’s playful and fun. Allison asks Lydia for help with math, study session turns into fingerbanging session. I love how Lydia teases Allison about not being direct while she fucks her. I’ll take situations that have happened to me with a side of witty banter and vivid imagery any day.
  5. Cute Like You by Himaryan (Percy Jackson): In which Piper brats and whines about not wanting to write an essay until Annabeth takes charge and fucks her brains out. I like how Annabeth teases Piper, pulls her clothes off, and tells her she’s cute when she’s fucked out, it reads as light D/s to me. Includes beautiful descriptions of wetness and oral.
  6. (i don’t think they’ll) play this on the radio by evewithanapple (Mad Max Fury Road): In which Shakespeare is dirty and sexy, the clitoris is discovered, sexual trauma is overcome, and Dag and Cheedo have their first orgasms. Man, I really like first time fics and sexual self discovery, and the claiming of sexual autonomy after abuse strikes a chord. The whole getting off on Shakespeare makes me really happy as well, as a nerd who wants everyone to know how filthy his works were.
  7. Sex Ed With Ms Martin by SushiOwl (Teen Wolf, bad lesbian porn): In which Allison is curious, finds the kind of girl on girl porn that is clearly made by and for straight dudes, and Lydia takes it upon herself to show her better porn. I’m a fan of the “let me teach you how to have sex” trope, it plays into my innocent good girl persona who needs to be taught all the things. Also, I think it’s super sexy how Lydia just takes charge and rocks Allison’s world like it’s no big deal.

What are your favorite femslash fics?

Godemiche Ambit Review

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Edit 8/14/17: Due to recent actions on the part of the owners of Godemiche, I can no longer support their company or their products. The Big Gay Review wrote a post which sums up my feelings on the situation; you can find that post here. The following review will remain on my blog in its original unedited form with one exception: I have removed all affiliate links to Godemiche products.

Y’all have no idea how excited I was to get my hands on the Godemiche Ambit. Godemiche is a two-person operation based in the UK, and when I discovered them, I was stunned by the gorgeous colors in their silicone toys. Unfortunately, their trademark dildo is out of my girth comfort zone. I emailed them asking if there was any chance they’d make a smaller one, and was told one was in the works and would be out in a few months. I was super excited, and proceeded to wait. Now, here it is!  I got the Ambit as a Christmas present from my partner, and I squealed an awful lot when I saw it.

First of all, this toy is so pretty. Mine is in “Bubblegun,” a marble of pink and silver. I initially thought that would be a weird combination, but I like the way it turned out. The pink peeks out from under the silver, and mine has a splash of pink down the center that I’m really into. Godemiche’s whole thing is simple dildos in beautiful colors: they have sparkly Gleam and Effulgent collections, tiny hearts suspended in the silicone, and, my favorite, their Galaxy and Nebula dildos. I’m a sucker for hand poured marbles and pretty colors, so big points for that.

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The silicone has just a little bit more give than Tantus’s firm silicone; it’s more like Vixen Creations’ single density. It does have a tendency to get turned around in the vagina. There’s a small imprinted G at the base that I use to keep it lined up, but it’s difficult to think about that while there’s thrusting happening. For me, a dildo this size is in the “filling but comfortable” category. I’m a fan of the tapered tip because it definitely makes the Ambit easier to insert than similar sized toys with blunt heads, like the Tantus Echo.

This toy does good G-spot things. I like doing quick small thrusts on my G-spot with the ridge below the head, which delivers focused pressure and makes my G-spot very happy. The silicone is fairly bendy, so I sometimes need to push down on the base to get more direct contact with my G-spot, but it’s usually not much of an issue.

The design is similar to the Tantus Acute, with the flat head and small sloping curve. You might remember that I wasn’t super impressed with the Acute’s G-spotting abilities. It worked sometimes, but could be tricky to line up correctly and was too thin and bendy to apply very firm pressure. The Ambit is bigger, has more of a curve, and has a more dramatic ridge, which makes it a much better G-spotter.

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The suction cup is very effective. I didn’t realize that the Ambits sold at SheVibe came with suction cups, but they do! It is a little picky about which surfaces it wants to stick to: it likes flat walls, smooth hardwood floors, and big tiles, but it won’t stick to tiles that are smaller than the suction cup or textured walls. Suction cup dildos aren’t my personal jam, I’d rather lie in my bed while masturbating than standing or crouching to ride a dildo. I’m a lazy masturbator. I tested it out though, and it stays put through vigorous thrusting and side to side action, and has to be peeled away from the wall. If you’re looking for a body safe dildo with a hardcore reliable suction cup, this is a great option. Or you could stick it to your head and pretend to be a unicorn, whatever floats your boat.

The Ambit has an intuitive design. It’s a solid G-spotter. It comes in pretty colors (including glitter and custom options). It’s made by an awesome small company that listens to their customers and takes them into account. Also, it’s only $35! That’s an excellent price for a hand poured silicone dildo. If you’re wanting an inexpensive moderate-sized G-spot toy, the Ambit is the dildo for you.

You can find the Ambit at SheVibe!

On Pregnancy, Shame, and Abstinence-Only Sex Education

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I am a person with a uterus who does not want to have children. That is my decision to make about my own body, and I’m quite happy with it. Many other people have discussed how this is an autonomy issue, and how telling persons with uteruses that they’ll change their mind someday or that their life won’t be complete without children is profoundly sexist and part of controlling women’s bodies and women’s lives. We’re far from alone: the birth rate in my country has gone down, which is probably due to several factors including that women have gained more autonomy over their bodies and lives, access to contraception and abortion have improved, cost of raising a child has increased dramatically and my generation is already struggling with high costs of living. There’s another factor that I want to talk about today: abstinence-only sex education.

Like many other people in the United States, I grew up with abstinence-only sex ed. It did not cover contraception of any kind, safer sex barriers, or anything remotely approaching queer sex. Sex acts other than PIV were brought up only to tell us that you can still contract STIs from them (which is true), followed by a battery of propaganda on how STIs are incurable (true for some STIs) and will thoroughly and entirely ruin your life and your future (not true). The whole regime instilled me with shame and confusion regarding sex, and a profound lack of understanding regarding sexual pleasure. It also instilled me and my peers with a deep seated fear of pregnancy.

One day, I was sitting in my college Earth science class with a couple of acquaintances, the kind you don’t know very well but talk to occasionally and do classwork with. The class had a couple hundred students in it, and we sat at the back of the lecture hall. One of my acquaintances noticed a person a few rows down from us who was very clearly pregnant. Her reaction was something along the lines of “oh god how awful, poor thing, I’m so glad that isn’t me.” I responded that she didn’t know the pregnant person’s situation, and that they could be thrilled to be having a baby. That possibility literally had not occurred to my acquaintance. I was really struck by this moment. When did the de facto response to pregnancy change from “congratulations” to “I’m so sorry”? From “yay, a baby!” to “that’s got to be so hard for you”? Probably after young people spent years being told that sex and pregnancy were to be avoided at all costs, and that people who get pregnant are immoral, dirty, and wrong.

Something I’ve never understood is how these same people who advocate for abstinence-only in schools are the ones who still expect us to get married young and start popping out babies. They want to protect their children from the great sin of happy consensual sex, but then expect them to provide grandchildren by the age of 25. They teach teenagers that sex should scare them, and then say that sex is a required part of marriage and expect them to get on board. The things that you teach children have consequences. You can’t just flip a switch and expect eight years of being taught fear and shame surrounding sex and pregnancy to disappear and be replaced by a burning desire to have babies.

It’s okay if you want to have babies. It’s okay if you don’t. What isn’t okay is a system designed to influence people’s choices by making them afraid. Everyone should have access to complete, accurate information before making decisions about their lives and their bodies, and abstinence-only sex education does not even come close to that.

4 Household Objects That Can Improve Your Sex Life

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I’m a big fan of fancy sex toys, but there’s also a bunch of ordinary things that help make my sex life better. While inserting produce or other non-sex-toy objects into your orifices is probably not the safest thing, there are a bunch of things around the house that can be helpful and/or fun while you’re having sexytimes. Here are five of my favorite things you can pick up at your local department store that have sexy applications:

  1. Hand Towels. Need to wipe off your hands so you can look at porn on your phone without getting the screen sticky? Want to set down a butt toy without worrying about getting mess all over your pretty bedspread? Accidentally sat on the lube bottle and need to sop up the giant puddle of lube before you manage to put your foot in it and end up with cold lubey feet? (Definitely not speaking from experience on that last one.) Hand towels are great. I always keep one on hand while I’m masturbating just in case. Preferably, it’ll be kinda large, soft, and in a pretty color. I certainly don’t miss wiping my fingers off on whatever’s closest and getting sticky lube spots on my shirts or sheets.
  2. Socks. Cold feet are no fun. They’re uncomfortable and distracting, and the last thing I need while I’m trying to have a freaking orgasm is any kind of physical discomfort. Yes, you can just crawl under a blanket, and I am totally a fan of getting off while hiding under my cozy warm comforter. If you want to do something more adventurous than lying on your back, socks will keep your extremities warm outside of your blanket cave. Great for if you want to ride a dildo, kneel on the floor to give a blowjob, do a striptease, or just want to take a quick trip to the bathroom without freezing out all of your arousal. Also, socks come in fun patterns and colors, including things like black thigh highs with bows on. Sexy and warm!
  3. Silicone Cooking Utensils. Okay, so this one is more kink-specific. Now we’re talking about pervertables, which are mundane items that can be used as sex toys. In this case, for impact play. Silicone is body safe and can be sanitized, which makes silicone cooking implements a bit safer than some other pervertables. They come in all kinds of shapes and sizes and colors, so you can try out different sensations without dropping a ton of money. You can also use books, hairbrushes, and wooden spoons as impromptu impact play implements. I’m a fan of how my bright green silicone spatula delivers a hard thuddy hit at the center where it’s solid, and then sting around the flexible edges.
  4. Pillows. Many of my formative sexual experiences involved humping pillows, so I might be just a teeny bit nostalgic. If you’ve never tried getting off by humping something, try grabbing a pillow and giving it a go. It might not work for you, and that’s totally okay, all bodies are different, but it could be fun to try. I suggest something relatively firm for grinding against, and those long body pillows are way more comfortable to lay on top of than normal short ones. If pillow humping turns out to not be your thing, you can also use a pillow to shield your body from the cold wall next to your bed, or to protect your knees while you’re kneeling, or prop yourself up against a wall to get a better angle for penetration.

What everyday objects do you use to improve your sex life?

L’amourose Prism V Review

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One of my sex toy goals going into 2017 was to try more vibrators, especially G-spot vibrators. So naturally, I jumped at the chance to review the L’amourose Prism V, a luxury silicone G-spot vibe that’s received enthusiastic feedback.

L’amourose has been lauded for its rumbly motors, so I had high expectations for the Prism V. Rumbly vibrations are so, so important to me. Honestly, I think the Magic Wand Rechargeable and Doxy Don have entirely spoiled my clit and skewed my perspective. The Prism V, while not as hardcore as either of those powerhouse vibes, is moderately rumbly and quite powerful. For a rechargeable vibe that’s smaller than a power tool, it really does hold its own.

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I’m not in love with the Prism V internally. Several other reviewers noted that they preferred the Prisms clitorally, and I was so sure that I would be the exception. I’m a big fan of vibrations on my G-spot and I thought the Prism V would be just the ticket. It turns out, I have mixed feelings. You could hardly accuse the Prism V of being weak or buzzy, which is a huge point in the pro column. I do love the sheer power and nice rumbliness on my G-spot, but the shape is not perfect for my body. I think I need a slightly more dramatic curve in a G-spot toy, so it can really push into my body.. That’s why I love the Tantus Echo with its sharp ridges, and c-shaped dildos like the Pure Wand. In the Prism V, the curve angles up too much. If they made it so the curve of the neck was the same, but the head was more bulbous and stuck out farther instead of slimming down and tapering into a point, I’d be much happier with it. As it is, the Prism V has more of a gentle s-curve, so  it’s much trickier to get any firm pressure on my G-spot. I really need that firm pressure. Without it, it kinda feels like the Prism V is vibrating on the outside of my G-spot, instead of directly into it. Vibrations inside of my vagina don’t do much for me unless they’re targeting my erogenous zones, no matter how powerful or rumbly they are. They need to make contact. If your G-spot is more sensitive than mine or likes indirect stimulation, you’ll probably be happier with the Prism V as an internal vibe.

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Clitorally, it’s big enough to give me the broad stim I like on all but my most sensitive days. I tend to turn it on its side to give myself more surface area to work with. I’m less picky with my clit vibes, because shape isn’t nearly as important here. Is it large? Will it give me indirect stimulation? Then the shape is just fine by me. Here is where the motor becomes vitally important. Clitorally, the motor in the Prism V really gets its chance to shine, cause when it does make direct contact, the quality of the vibrations blow me away.

The Prism V is a great luxury vibe. It’s powerful, moderately rumbly, and pretty. Yes, I am very swayed by aesthetically pleasing sex toys. It’s also small enough to be easily portable and maneuverable, which is a big plus. Also, it’s only $99 at many stores, and that’s an excellent price for a top of the line insertable vibe. As a G-spot vibe, it might work for folks who like internal vibrations generally, or indirect G-spot stimulation, but it’s not going to cut it for direct, intense G-spot stim. However, I wholeheartedly recommend the Prism V for clit use and for taking #aesthetic sex toy photos. If what you need is clit stim that is neither pinpoint nor broad, with a solid motor and a handle to boot, in a moderate price range, the Prism V is the toy for you.

You can buy the Prism V at SheVibe, Peepshow Toys, or Betty’s Toy Box!

The Prism V was sent to me by L’amourose free of charge in exchange for an honest, unbiased review. Thank you, L’amourose!

The Mystery of the Asexual Sex Blogger

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The Asexuality Flag

So it might seem weird to you that a person who loves sex toys and often tweets about #peggingadventures with their partner would identify as asexual. I’m using a specific definition of asexuality here, which does not preclude my having a libido or enjoying sexual activity. Maybe asexual isn’t the right word for what I am. There’s a lot of confusion about what exactly the word means, and who it’s for, and I’ve struggled to figure out whether it applies to me. But it’s the best word I have. And yes, I need a word for it. I need a word for it so badly.

A couple of quick definitions: an asexual person is someone who does not experience sexual attraction towards others. Sexual attraction is not the same thing as libido. Libido is the desire to have sex, whether by oneself or with one or more persons. Sexual attraction is the feeling of wanting to have sex with a particular person, due to certain characteristics of that person, physical or otherwise. Asexuality is a spectrum. It contains an array of individuals and sexualities, which vary across the spectrum. Gray-asexual is a term used by people who only experience sexual attraction very rarely, or in very specific, unusual circumstances. Demisexual is a term for people who only experience sexual attraction towards people with whom they have a strong emotional connection; they do not experience sexual attraction towards strangers or acquaintances. An asexual person might be sex-repulsed, or enjoy the physical sensations having sex with their partner, or they might feel about sex the way I do about attending baseball games: it was nice and fun that one time they did it but they’re not particularly motivated to do it again.

I am a person who has sex, both by myself and with others. And yet, sexual attraction is something that I’ve struggled with my whole life. Here’s a little example for you. Sometimes I will see a particularly beautiful person. The person is usually a femme, but not always. I will give a little gasp in sheer awe of their fabulous aesthetic. I take a moment to appreciate how gorgeous they are. If I am with a friend, I might point out the pretty person. I keep walking. My brain stops there. It doesn’t point out how sexy they are, or get aroused, or go “unffff.” It does not matter whether or not I feel compelled to compliment them on their excellent taste in boots, or hair, or body modifications. They’re not sexy to me.

How on earth am I supposed to tell who the sexy people are? I can tell the difference between Literal Hugh Jackman and an average Joe, of course- symmetry of face, how clear and even their skin is, amount of muscle, etc. There’s a checklist. And I know when someone’s hair is a great shade of purple, or their clothes are flattering to their body shape. But what makes one average looking person so much sexier than another? A friend will point out how sexy someone is, and if they are not doing an actual striptease, I struggle to see what makes them different from any of the other individuals we’re surrounded by. For me, sexy people are the ones in sexual situations. Show me a person sitting at a bus stop and I might admire their shoes, but they’re not going to cause me to think about sex. Show me a person in porn who is doing a sex act that I particularly like (say spanking or power exchange or taking big toys) and I will go “damn, that’s hot.” That will turn me on. People don’t.

A few years ago, I had an important conversation with a friend for whom partnered sex is very important. At the time, I was in a romantic monogamous relationship in which we were not having sex of any kind due to legitimate reasons that I won’t discuss here. This close friend told me she couldn’t fathom dating someone with whom she didn’t have a fulfilling sex life. I couldn’t relate to that. I found my relationship with this partner to be tremendously fulfilling romantically, and I saw no reason to end it.  I also told my friend that I would be willing to have sex with that romantic partner if it weren’t for the aforementioned legitimate reasons. And my close friend was flabbergasted because she couldn’t imagine having sex with someone being such a take it or leave it situation- either she’s passionately attracted to them or she won’t touch them with a ten foot pole.

More recently, I was having a conversation with this same close friend about being asexual. I told them how I do this thing where whenever I’m making a new friend, I consider dating them. I can’t seem to prevent my mind from doing a “but what if we kissed? held hands? fell in love?” train of thought, even when the person in question has done nothing to provoke it. It’s a little “maybe what if” that I might then choose to do absolutely nothing about, but I do consider it. I thought this was odd, because I’m pretty sure most people don’t appraise all the acquaintances they get along with as potential sexual and/or romantic partners. My friend thought this made total sense, and told me that she does this with people that she is attracted to and hits it off with. She felt that if aesthetics and sexual attraction played little to no role for her, she would also do this with all the cool people she met.

In this way, it sometimes seems that being on the asexual spectrum has increased my sexual partners. When a person is kind to me, respectful, makes me feel comfortable, and I think will be fun to play with, they bring themselves into the “might sleep with” category. This includes nonromantic friends, and I’ve always liked having casual sex with my friends. There are several friends of mine who, were they down and neither of us in monogamous romantic relationships, I would happily have sex with. Because I trust them, and I like sex, and I think it’s fun to explore new things with my friends. Why should I wait for some kind of burning hot connection to have that kind of fun? Something I’ve struggled with a lot is what is the difference between “I want to have sex” and “I want to have sex with you, specifically”? Where is the line? What even is attraction? Some days I just don’t know.

For a long time I didn’t consider that the term “asexual” could apply to me. I have a sex drive, I masturbate, I sometimes have partnered sex. That didn’t feel very non-sexual to me. And I broke down crying somewhere around the age of 13 because I couldn’t fathom what attraction felt like. Because I was pretty sure I had a crush on this girl, but it didn’t feel the way I was told it was supposed to. Because I wanted to spend time with her and talk to her and hold her hand and she did nothing to my genitals. I wanted to be around her all the time and I wanted to be important to her and I was pretty sure that’s what a crush was but I didn’t feel any magical sparks. And I hadn’t felt those magical sparks toward anyone, of any gender, because while I was open to the idea of sex involving another human being, I couldn’t imagine another human being as inherently arousing. It crushed me, because I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I just felt so wrong.

I know I don’t fit a lot of people’s conception of the textbook asexual person. I know that attraction is complicated and that not fitting the mainstream narrative doesn’t mean I have to be asexual. I know that, but I have never felt sexual attraction towards another human being in my life. Before I found the idea of the asexuality spectrum I didn’t know there was a word that applied to me that wasn’t “broken” or “wrong”. Don’t tell me I don’t need that word. When I discovered it, I thought “There’s a word for that? I didn’t know there was a word for that. I didn’t know there was anyone else in the world like me. I thought I was just broken.”

Maybe “asexual” isn’t the most precise word to describe the way I feel. Maybe it’s confusing to have a spectrum so broad that it encompasses wildly different people. Maybe I’ll always have to explain exactly what I mean by that label, or else people will get a wildly inaccurate idea of me. But it’s important for me to have a label. It’s important for me to know I’m not alone, or broken, or despicable. I’m just asexual.

 

Fanfiction Roundup: Gangbangs

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I love the idea of gangbangs. There’s a lot of fun things about it: getting to be the center of attention, getting used by a large number of people, impressing everyone with how much you can take, the sheer intensity of having several things done to you at once. I also have a lot of kink feelings about it, and I often find myself immersed in a gangbang story when I’m feeling into being used and humiliated and pushed to my limits. Gangbangs are one of those things that are nearly impossible to do in real life, though. Just the logistics of getting half a dozen people in the same room at the same time, who all want to bang one specific person? That’s a challenge. Luckily, this is exactly what smut is for. Here are some of my favorite gangbang fanfics!

  1. This Fever by gracerene (M/M, Harry Potter): Harry discovers he likes cock, and then all the cock, and then all the cock at once. Needy bottom Harry who just wants to be bossed around and taken care of really resonates with me. I also love it when there’s a dom in charge of the gangbang to move people around and tell them how to use the bottom. In this fic, Ron fills that role beautifully, complete with dirty talk and being the last person to take Harry.
  2. I Wanna See Your Animal Side by sidium (F/M, MCU Avengers): This one is consensual non-consent. Natasha has a fantasy about being gang raped, and after some explicit negotiation, the Avengers make her dream come true. Includes consent check-ins and the use of safewords. I’m a fan of the “I want to struggle but I want you to win” type of submission, so I love the part where Natasha makes a run for the door, fights as hard as she can, gives some people some bruises, and still ends up wrestled down and tied up and thoroughly happy about it.
  3. When did this happen? by Slaughter_Saints (F/M, Mad Max Fury Road): Trope inversions are one of my very favorite things, especially where there’s genderfuckery involved. In this fic, all of the Sisters plus Furiosa share Nux. They take turns. He’s very happy to service them. Sweetness, adoration of Furiosa, and some lovely gentle-but-firm femdom ensues!
  4. Sharing is Caring by Udunie (M/M, Teen Wolf, very dubious consent): This is the only one on this list with actual consent issues. Stiles is the new pack omega, and the alpha, Peter, shares him with Derek and Boyd. Everyone gets a turn taking Stiles up the ass, and Stiles is overstimulated and overwhelmed but likes the way it feels. One D/s thing I like is being pushed past my comfort zone by my dom, having to take just a little bit more than I would on my own because they want me to, and this is exactly the kind of fic that caters to that.
  5. Bang My Boyfriend by OhCaptainMyCaptain (M/M, F/M, MCU Avengers): The Avengers take turns having sex with Steve as Bucky watches. This is the kind of gangbang where Steve wants to play with all of his friends and also get pushed hard and overstimulated and take as much as he can. Bucky’s very proud of him, which makes my praise kink loving self squeal inside.
  6. Tryouts by Inell (M/M, Teen Wolf): What would this gangbang roundup be without a wildly unrealistic cliche porn premise? Stiles tries out for the baseball team, is reunited with his highschool crush, gets recognized from a sex club, and gangbanged in the locker room after practice. Gotta love a good old-fashioned locker room gangbang. Possessive Derek rocks the “I’ll share you with them but you’re really mine and only I can satisfy you” dom role, which really speaks to my kink for feeling owned.
  7. Tony Pulls a Train by Alex51324 (M/M, F/M, MCU Avengers): More consensual roleplay! In this one, Tony’s birthday present is to be the Avengers’ sex slave for a day. Featuring active consent and Tony still getting pushed to his limits and worn out by people he loves and trusts. I love this kind of balance between the sex slave trope, which is kinky and hot, and enthusiastic consent and caring friends, which gives me all the warm fuzzies.

Do you have a favorite gangbang fanfic that I left out? Let me know!