Tails and Portholes Abyssal King Review

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Sometimes I get to take people on tours of my toy collection. I love getting to talk about my favorites, explain why I like them so much, and just get really excited about a thing I really like. The past three times I’ve done this, the person in question has picked up the Abyssal King, looked at it, and asked “What is this supposed to be?” Last time, I shrugged and said “Interesting.”

The toy that has confused so many friends of mine is the mini size of the Abyssal King, made by Tails and Portholes, a dildo maker on Etsy. It’s definitely an unusual design, which is why I was so excited to try it. It looks almost like the spine or ribs of some creepy, bony creature, which is just a tad macabre in a way that I find very aesthetically pleasing.

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This is a pretty short, fat dildo. Above, you can see it next to the Tantus Echo, another toy with lots of ridges. The Echo is taller, thinner, has fewer and deeper ridges, and is much firmer than the Abyssal King. (Keep in mind that I do have the Mini size in Soft firmness, and a Medium and Large size both exist, as does a Firm firmness.) The Mini Abyssal King is 4.5″ long with a 5.5″ circumference, for reference. I love getting surprise colors from indie shops, and this one turned out so pretty! It’s a rich blue and gold that seems rather fitting for a king of the deep seas.

One of my favorite things about fantasy toys is that you get to try out weird new shapes. This is certainly an odd one! Tails and Portholes has a bunch of weird heads on their toys, and I’m into it. The shape took some getting used to, as it’s sort of wide and curves  all the way around. The best comparison I have for the shape is a pear, which is frankly kinda weird. Just know that instead of having a traditionally phallic shaft, it’s much fatter and rounder. The girth is pretty well within my comfort zone, but the shape and ridges made it a bit trickier for me to insert sometimes. Once in there, I did appreciate the extra sensation of fullness from having it be kinda wide on the sides. The short length didn’t bother me because I have a pretty short vagina even on a good day. It is something to keep in mind, cause your mileage may vary.

I prefer to use the Abyssal King with the ridges facing the front of my vagina. You may remember that I’m a fan of ridges for G-spot action, and the Abyssal King can definitely deliver. In the softer silicone, it’s less of an intense digging in and more of a “oh hey, focused pressure, that feels nice.” I tend to thrust the Abyssal King a lot in order to get that sensation, and I was able to do that fairly easily by holding onto the base.

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You would probably like the Abyssal King if you like short wide toys, ridges, unusually un-phallic shapes, unique designs that are reminiscent of deep sea creatures, beautifully colored silicone, and supporting rad small businesses.

If you want to pick up a mini Abyssal King of your own, you can find one at Tails and Portholes’ Etsy store here!

The Abyssal King was sent to me free of charge in exchange for an honest, unbiased review. Thank you, Tails and Portholes!

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On (Not) Being Femme Enough

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I bought a new lipstick today. I spent about two hours in the drugstore, looking at different displays and trying the testers on my arm. My arm was covered in little dots of color by the time I was done. I wanted to do something for me, something to make me happy. I had a lot of fun, and I walked away with a beautiful new red matte that I’m really happy with. As I type this, I’m wearing it and I love it. I feel pretty and painted and femme. And I have some feelings about that.

I’ve always felt drawn to the word femme, but I’ve never known whether or not I can claim it. In general, I love labels and love having words to describe myself. I love that “femme” is a word made by and for queer women, that dates back to the butches and femmes of the 60s. I love that femme is queer. I love that anyone of any gender can be femme. I love the queering of femininity, I love the unique and creative expressions that happen when queer meets feminine. It’s not like traditional mainstream femininity, it’s weirder, bolder, twisted. I love the reclaiming of femininity, the refusal to bow to the patriarchy’s hatred of it. I love queer femmes.

The thing is, most days I’m not femme. I wear jeans and a t-shirt, sneakers, no makeup, no jewelry. The only truly femme thing about my appearance is my long hair, and even that I always wear tied up so that it’s out of my way. Most of the time, I feel too practical to be femme. My current job requires a decent amount of manual labor, which make skirts or dresses rather impossible. I’d rather wear jeans with a belt than have to suffer from chub rub. I have to get up early, so I choose to sleep more and eat breakfast instead of do my makeup. I find that jewelry gets in the way of typing or baking or studying or lifting heavy boxes, so I don’t wear it. Performing femininity often feels like something that requires time and energy from me and doesn’t give me a payoff other than making daily tasks slightly more annoying. I’m also not especially butch- I don’t have a rad queer short haircut or a closet full of men’s clothing or a single pair of Doc Martens. My everyday style is comfortable, casual, and gender neutral.

But sometimes, I have days like today. I’ll have a day where I put makeup on for no other reason than I feel like it and it makes me happy. I love an excuse to go all out and get dolled up, especially in my wildly impractical goth regalia. I’ll wear dresses to go out dancing because I like the way they swish and twirl. I get excited when I have an occasion to literally let my hair down- I keep it this long because I think it’s gorgeous and I’m so proud of it.

So what does that make me? I feel like a femme with a femme-incompatible lifestyle, except on rare and glorious occasions. Maybe I’m just a lazy femme. But all I hear from the femmes in my life is that being feminine, to them, makes them feel alive and energized and happy. How can I be a proper femme if I find doing makeup every single day to be tedious and unnecessary? I’d rather only do it when I have time to play with it and have fun. The rest of the time, I’d rather be able to rub my eyes. I’d really like to have a strong gender expression. I’ve always loved high femmes and hard butches, for their commitment to a personal aesthetic and intense personal expression. But it’s so much easier and low-maintenance to just throw on a comfortable t-shirt.

When it comes to clothing and expression, I am a firm believer that there’s no reason to do anything unless it makes you happy. (Workplace dress codes aside, of course.) I’m going to keep wearing my comfy everyday clothes and having random, infrequent femme days. But boy, it sure would be nice to fit neatly into a box for once.

 

 

 

The Daddy Diaries: Getting Into Headspaces

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One of my very favorite things about kink is the intense, wonderful headspaces that it can create: things like subspace, little space, top space. These spaces involve being in an altered state of consciousness, and for me that can sometimes be very intense. Today I wanted to talk a bit about how I get into my headspaces, and what kind of things help me really access that mental state.

First up: dirty talk. Dirty talk has always been one of my favorite things. It only makes sense, I suppose, I’ve always been a reader and a person who loves words and stories and written smut is my absolute favorite type of porn. One of my previous partners and I were both huge fans of dirty talk and ageplay. When either of us were feeling little, we would change our dirty talk accordingly so that it fit with our headspaces. I don’t typically use a lot of euphemisms in normal conversation. We’re all adults here, and there’s no reason to avoid the word “vulva” or the phrase “anal sex.” But for a person in little space, it can be really difficult or feel really wrong to use adult words. While euphemisms are entirely inappropriate in certain contexts, like sex ed, they can also really help me get into and stay in my little space. So sex  becomes “playtime,””dirty talk” becomes “bedtime stories.”  When I’m feeling really little, it’s hard to ask for what I want, in addition to not wanting to say things that are out of character for my little girl persona. What does feel in persona is asking my Daddy for a bedtime story and talking about how I want to play.

Headspaces are strange, bizarre things, and sometimes weird shit is required to get into them. One time, I was late to a sex date because I got into my pastel little girl dress, realized my impressively hairy legs clashed terribly with the persona I was trying to inhabit, and proceeded to shave my legs while perched on top of the bathroom sink. I hardly ever shave my legs, because usually having leg hair doesn’t bother me in the slightest. As I was trying to get into character, though? It created a huge amount of cognitive dissonance and I just had to get rid of it. I’ve found that the easiest thing to do in these situations is just roll with it, and do what makes me feel most comfortable in my persona. Even if it involves shaving one’s legs into a bathroom sink.

In my personal experience, there’s one thing that influences my headspace above all others. The thing that’s most likely to get me into (or shake me out of) a headspace is the way my partner is acting. If someone is acting like my caregiver, chances are I’ll drop into little space like a stone. If someone is being sweet and little, especially if they’re being a bit bratty, hi, hello, here comes mama. Treat me like a normal adult, have regular adult conversations, and I’m going to stay in regular adult headspace.

As with the rest of kink, figuring out my headspaces and what works for me has been a bit of an adventure and a lot of trial and error. I’m still figuring out exactly how all of my headspaces feel, and what kind of things can enhance them. In this as in most things, I’m in the middle of my experience, not at the end.

What kind of headspaces have you experienced? What helps you stay in them?

This is the fourth installment in The Daddy Diaries, a miniseries on Daddy/Mommy kink, ageplay, my kink roles, and what they mean to me.

The Butters Lube Review

butters lube

This lube is one of the best things that’s ever happened to my ass. Seriously, I have never had such a happy butt. A little backstory: The Butters Lube is an oil-based lube that’s handmade by Jerome Stuart Nichols out of all-natural all-body-safe ingredients. (A full list of ingredients can be found through the above link.) I first heard about this lube on JoEllen Notte’s JoEllen’s 2016 Favorite Things! list, and I immediately ordered a jar. I’d been looking for a better anal lube for a while, and based on JoEllen’s description and glowing praise, I knew I had to try it.

I’ve known for a while that I prefer thicker lubes with more cushioning for butt stuff. That’s why I like Sliquid Sassy, which is thick for a water-based lube, and which was designed that way specifically to help with butt stuff. However, even thick water based lubes don’t always feel like enough for my butt, especially when I’m doing long sessions or trying to take big toys. Water based lube can sometimes feel like it just disappears into my ass, leaving me feeling chafed and uncomfortable. This isn’t too surprising, considering that human bodies love water and will soak it right up.

Oil based lubes do not have this problem. You see how it leaves a good layer of lube on the butt plug? It also does that inside my ass. Anal tissue is super delicate and prone to tearing, and this lube creates a lovely layer of softness in between my butt and whatever I’m putting inside of it. Oil also sticks around a lot longer than something water-based. This does mean that I have to make sure to wash all of the oil off of my ass later, but it’s totally worth it.

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Consistency wise, The Butters feels a lot like a very thick lotion or body cream, such as shea butter. As can be seen in the picture above, The Butters Lube has a thick, creamy consistency. It can’t drip off of toys, at least not at room temperature. When it is inside one’s anus, the body heat does melt it, so it does get thinner and turns into more of an oil than a cream. It’s like moisturizing cream for my ass. Incidentally, it can totally be used as moisturizing cream, and has several other exciting off label uses, but I’m just in love with it as an anal lube. I like this texture much better than silicone lube, which feels thin, warm, and oily to me in a very unpleasant way. Additionally, while silicone lube is also long-lasting, it can’t be used with silicone toys. That rules out more than half my butt plugs. The Butters Lube is safe with all nonporous materials, including silicone, metal, and glass, which means I don’t have to worry about toy damage or not being able to use the butt toy I want. It also does not have a strong taste or smell, which is lovely in case you wanted to get your mouth involved.

On the vulva, it is not for me. I have a strong preference for lubes that feel closer to my own natural lubrication when I’m using them vaginally.  The same thick, creamy, oily, stays-around-forever texture that I adore anally just feels like it clashes with my thinner natural lubricant. The Butters feels heavy and strange to my vagina, although plenty of other vulva owners swear by it. As always, to each their own.

This lube is super inexpensive. It’s astonishing. You can’t get this much good quality lube for such little money anywhere else. (Good quality, not shitty drugstore stuff that will give you yeast infections.) I’m always a fan of supporting small businesses, and I love it when they make it easy by creating A+ high quality products for fair prices. If you find yourself in need of an oil-based lube, if you’ve ever found water based lube too thin and easily disappearing, or if you just want to try something new from a rad company, do yourself a favor and get some of this lube.

Thoughts on Pain

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I have a memory from when I was younger that’s always stuck out to me. I was playing with someone and they said “that hurt!” I don’t remember who it was or what I did that hurt them. What I do remember is that I said “no it didn’t!” and what I meant was that it didn’t hurt me. Little kids are like that, they don’t understand that other people have minds and that they have different perspectives. That’s normal, and I grew out of it, which is also normal. Yet I’ve continued to be fascinated by this aspect of pain. I can cause you pain, and not be able to tell, because I can’t feel it.

I don’t know why I’m so intrigued by not being able to experience others’ pain, but it’s always felt like an enormous design flaw to me. When I am consenually causing my partners pain, I can never be exactly sure of how painful it is, how much they can take. I ask them, of course, and check in, and make sure everything stays firmly in the realm of good pain. But still, a session that from my perspective only involves hand motions can be full of pain for my partner. That disparity is bewildering to me. I’ve never considered myself a sadist or a masochist because for me the goal isn’t pain, it’s power exchange, and sometimes pain can be used to facilitate that. Now I’m wondering, though, what it is about pain that captures my attention so strongly.

There’s an amazing quote from The Body in Pain by Elaine Scarry: “To have great pain is to have certainty; to hear that another person has pain is to have doubt.” Our own pain is so overwhelming, so sharply, inescapably real, but the pain of others remains out of our reach, out of our experience. I wonder how different the world would be if we could really truly feel the pain of others, instead of struggling to explain pain with the imperfect tool of language.

When I am giving pain or receiving pain, I am playing with that doubt and certainty. You can never truly escape those things, but you can walk right up to the edge of it. I can see my partner whine with pain while I myself remain unhurt, and know that we can never bridge that gap. There’s a distance there, but also a closeness. There’s an intimacy in this sharing of pain, in trying to get close enough to taste it while knowing that we’ll never be able to.

I don’t know if I’m a sadist, but I do love this aspect of causing pain.

Fanfiction Roundup: A/B/O

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For those of you who don’t know, A/B/O stands for Alpha/Beta/Omega. The basic idea is, what if humans had characteristics of other animals, especially pack animals? What if we had societal structures based on these new nonhuman biological characteristics? The best A/B/O, in my experience, creates a conversation about gender and expectations. It wonders how the world would be different, how our ideas about maleness and femaleness would change, what new institutions would be necessary. It’s a jumping off point for some amazing worldbuilding and social commentary. Also, fun creative porn that often involves things like D/s, collars, breeding, knotting, and heats. Here are some great A/B/O fics that have given me food for thought and/or raging boners!

  1. Nico Comes to a Decision by razielim (Percy Jackson): Sometimes you want plot, sometimes you just want simple hot dirty knotting porn. This is the latter. Nico’s an omega who decides that he actually does want to be Will’s after all, he just wants to respected in the process and not make decisions until everyone’s in their right mind. Huzzah for consent-conscious kink!
  2. Dynamics by Not_You (The Avengers): I’m not usually a huge fan of the “our world meets some kind of magical alternate world” trope- there’s usually way too many awkward situations and too much secondhand embarrassment for me, and I just don’t find it that interesting. This fic is the exception. The Avengers, who are heading in a poly direction, get their asses transported into an A/B/O alternate universe. The alphas, Steve, Natasha, and Thor, have to figure out the pecking order between them before omega Clint goes into heat. I love it when wrestling matches end in sex. And I adore how being forced into this weird contrived situation helps the Avengers solve their real-world relationship problems. It’s a metaphor!
  3. All You Ever Needed to Know About Knotting by KuriKuri (Teen Wolf): Derek likes to read this relationship advice column written by a witty, anonymous omega. Also, he has a crush on his adorable omega neighbor, Stiles. I’m sure you can see where this is going. I love the use of the advice column to give us a glimpse into the broader context of this particular A/B/O verse, and the rom-com style, complete with mistaken identity and mutual pining.
  4. Politically Incorrect by Not_You (The Avengers): Remember how I love how creative A/B/O can be, especially subversions of it that go against the traditional archetype? This is none of that. This is pure self-indulgent classic A/B/O. Clint is an omega who’s stereotypically submissive and has some guilt feelings about wanting Phil to take him and claim him and use him. (Dude, I can relate.) Includes beautiful D/s knotting porn with lots of biting!
  5. The Domestic Lives of Superheroes by The Notorious Trollop Vo the Terrible (The Avengers): This is a series, and with all of the parts together, it is fairly long. But it is so, so worth it. It mostly looks at omega Bucky and alpha Steve. The main story, “The Winter Soldier Becomes a Parent,” deals with Bucky’s accidental pregnancy and his difficulties adjusting to a normal human life after being an abused soldier for so long. Maybe my favorite part of this fic is when Bucky asks Natasha to accompany him on an errand, she assumes they’re going to assassinate someone, and they’re actually going to see a doctor for an ultrasound and all of that. It’s the kind of fic that manages to be heartwrenching and hilarious in turns, and is somehow so relatable in its discussion of recovery and the importance of social support even though it’s about a pregnant male omega superhero. The rest of the series is also great!
  6. Entangled by antennapedia (Buffy the Vampire Slayer): Female alphas are always so interesting to me. Both female alphas and male omegas are really fascinating ways of re-imagining gender and power, but the former get way less attention in fanfiction than the latter. In this fic, Buffy is an alpha and Giles is an omega, which turns their mentor/student power dynamic on its head. Giles has an inconveniently timed heat, because you gotta kickstart the porn somehow. Also, the idea of pack is explored in a way that imagines packs as polyamourous systems, and I always love a good poly plot twist.
  7. a little advice for aspiring fires by The Byger (Teen Wolf): Stiles is an omega who sells himself at auction. Derek bought him impulsively and doesn’t really know how to alpha. Here be Stiles being talkative and adorable and Derek slowly letting his guard down and starting to snark back at him. And then, y’know, Stiles gets his heat. I like Stiles’ narrative voice here, he’s earnest and young in a way that really shines through. Derek’s alpha possessiveness and Stiles’ omega clinginess cause some problems, and they have to actually use their words and talk about their problems like adults. Also, adorable children at the end.
  8. Will Graham’s Home For Fucked Up Omegas by Not_You (Hannibal): This is maybe my favorite A/B/O fic I have ever encountered. The world building is just so good and fleshed out! Will Graham is an alpha who runs what is essentially a halfway house for omegas, and is also really really bad at self care. Hannibal is an omega who runs a similar home for alphas. One of my favorite things about this fic is that it imagines humans with much better senses of smell in addition to the other animalistic characteristics that are common to A/B/O verse. Emotions all have their own scents, and are a big part of how humans communicate. Having an impaired sense of smell is therefore much more of a disability in this world, which is also explored. It also looks at how the idea of queerness would change, and how same-dynamic attraction would be viewed as queer in such a world. I adore all of the different details and nuances that the author came up with. Huzzah for creative and exciting world building!

What’s your experience with A/B/O been? Got a favorite A/B/O fic?

On Loving Too Easily

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I fall in love so easily, I think. I’m sitting on the floor next to a beautiful boy, playing with his hair. I’ve only known him for two months, and I know that I love him. I know it in the way that my face lights up around him, and the way I always want to be holding and being held by him. I know it in the way that my heart breaks every time he tells me that he’s not used to people being sweet to him the way that I am. He tells me that he feels like he can let his guard down around me, that he can be himself. I feel honored to get to see him this way, honored to be trusted. He is beautiful in his vulnerability. My heart aches, knowing that he’s letting his defenses down, opening himself up to being hurt and trusting that I won’t. I know that I love him as I run my fingers through his hair and hold his heart in my hands.

~~~

“I fall in love too easily,” I say. I’m talking to a close friend of mine, regarding a recent conversation I had with my then-boyfriend. The boyfriend and I had been discussing opening up our monogamous relationship to include sleeping with other people. “I can’t spend time with people, and watch them come, and learn their dreams and hopes and fears, and laugh with them, and kiss them, and discuss the tragedy of the human condition with them, and not fall in love with them,” I tell her. “I think that would be torture. I can’t be in a relationship that allows me to sleep with people but never love any of them.” She nods along, and tells me it’s good that I know my boundaries on this, and that I should be clear about them the next time I discuss this topic with my boyfriend. She says that if I know that, then I should be firm about my position. She’s right, of course. We keep eating our burritos, and the conversation moves to other things.

~~~

I’m sixteen, and I’m flirting with someone who isn’t my (monogamous) girlfriend. He’s witty and clever and his devious banter makes me feel alive. The way that we play off of each other feels electric, it feels like he lights a fire under me that makes my brain work faster, makes me rise to the challenge and give as good as I got. Friendly banter isn’t inherently romantic, so this should be fine- except I care. It happens naturally and all too easily. I care that his English grade is slipping, that he struggles with social cues and continuing to get along with our friends, that his father is cruel to him. I sit next to him when our friend group goes to restaurants and when he offers me one of his headphones, I take it and walk in step with him so we can listen to his music together. I’ll never tell him that I love him, he doesn’t need to know. I buy him a burrito so that he doesn’t have to miss out on our friend group’s hangout time, and defend him to the people he just can’t seem to get along with, and listen to him complain about my favorite teacher. It seems impossible not to love him, this problem child who’s so smart and understands me so well.

~~~

I’m crying in the middle of a sex toy store. I’ve definitely cried in more inappropriate places, but I’m still somewhat embarrassed. Matie, the owner of Self Serve, tells me not to worry about it, that I’m hardly the first person to have hangups about sex or to need to cry about them in her store. I’m talking about my abuser, and about how scared I am of falling in love with another person that wants to use me and hurt me. I tell her that I’m a person who loves so easily. I’m terrified of being abused again but I feel like putting walls up would hurt me even more. I don’t want to lose my gift for love. Even while sobbing next to the lube display, that’s what it seems like: a gift. To be able to love easily is to be able to fill your world with tenderness and caring. It is to always have something to want to fight for.

Matie tells me a story about a researcher who discovered that the key to love was vulnerability, and was pretty mad about it. She didn’t want to be vulnerable- of course she didn’t. Nobody wants to get hurt. To love and be loved, you must be vulnerable. You must open yourself up to pain in order to let the connection in. You must let yourself care. I care so deeply, so strongly; I don’t know how not to be a passionate person. I walk around open to the world, open to caring, and loving, and being loved, and being hurt. I love easily, and freely, and often. I like to think the world is that much of a better place, to have that little bit more love in it.

Adam Super Soft Review

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The Adam Super Soft is my new favorite dildo, and it’s definitely my favorite out of the three Tantus Super Soft dildos I currenty own. I wasn’t expecting that at all. You see, many of the reviews I read of the Adam O2 (including Kate’s and Lunabelle’s) mentioned liking it specifically because it was pretty firm. The Adam O2 is the exact same model, but in dual density- firm core with a layer of super soft silicone on the outside. The Adam Super Soft is super soft all the way through. In fact, it’s significantly squishier than the Destiny or Vamp and I have no idea why. I was a bit worried that the softness would ruin the appeal, but for me at least, that was not at all the case.

Adam is the most realistic in the current Super Soft lineup (read: the most like a biological human penis.) I happen to quite like those. Right now, I’d say it’s one of the most realistic dildos I own, besides the lovely dark reddish-purple “Wine” color. It’s also quite heavy, and the weight with that curve means it can’t stand up on its own and will fall over when I’m trying to air-dry it or photograph it.

I was surprised by how much I liked this toy, but maybe I shouldn’t have been. It has several things I know I like: soft silicone, a curve, a tapered head. Out of the three Super Soft dildos I’ve reviewed, I like this shape the best. Destiny and Vamp are both front-loaded, which means that if you’re thrusting deeply, the toy will feel smaller at your vaginal entrance. Vamp and Adam have similar maximum girths, but Adam feels bigger because it’s that thick all the way down. Toys like the Vamp and Destiny have a “popping” sensation when the bulb goes in and then they lock into place. Adam is more of a smooth ride all the way down.

The Adam is surprisingly easy to insert, considering that it’s on the larger side for me. This has to do with how soft it is, as soft toys will always feel smaller and more gentle than similarly sized firm toys. It also has to do with the curve, because toys with a gentle curve like this are easier to get past one’s pubic bone. I thrust more with the Adam than I do with other toys of this size: heavily front-loaded toys can be resistant to thrusting, so the evenness really does the Adam a favor in that department.

Honestly, the Adam Super Soft is the closest a toy has ever come to making me feel like I’m fucking a bio cock. Personally, I really enjoy this. Especially when I’m thrusting pretty quickly, in long, deep strokes, it’s astonishingly similar to some penises I’ve been acquainted with. Whether or not this is a good thing in your book is of course completely up to you.

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Family photo! L to R: Destiny, Adam, and Vamp Super Soft

If you’re looking for G-spot stimulation, I would look elsewhere. Several reviews of the Adam O2 mentioned it was good for G-spotting, but the squish of the Adam SS just can’t deliver the same kind of pressure. For me, I need a firmer material and a sharper curve if a toy is going to do anything for my G-spot. The Adam is much more about movement, fullness, and texture.

I absolutely love the texture on the Adam SS. By “texture,” I mean both the feel of the silicone and the vein detailing. Unlike the other two, I can really feel the veins on the Adam, because they’re more prominent and there’s more of them. The matte silicone on the body of the toy is some of the nicest I’ve ever encountered; it’s soft, smooth, and really lovely. The glossy head with matte shaft is an unusual and interesting one, and I’ve decided I’m in favor of it. I don’t think this toy would lose much appeal if the whole thing was matte, but it does look aesthetically appealing to me and it might help a bit with initial insertion (less friction). In use, the combination of matte + veins + squishy adds up to a toy that my vagina really loves. There’s a bit of friction to grab onto, some change in texture to keep things interesting during thrusting, and enough give to make it fun to clench on.

I adore the Adam Super Soft. I recommend it to anyone who likes moderately large squishy toys, gentle but noticeable texture, and/or realistic shapes in unrealistic colors. If you want one, you can pick one up at Tantus or SheVibe!

The Adam Super Soft was sent to me free of charge by Tantus in exchange for an honest, unbiased review. Thank you, Tantus!

On Gendered Terms and Being a Domme

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In general, I’m frustrated by and opposed to needlessly gendered terms. They’re so unnecessary. I think it’s ridiculous to change a title just because the gender of the person changes. Take for example the words “actor” and “actress.” They mean exactly the same thing, except one is feminine and one is masculine. I tend to call myself an actor, because I am a person who acts. My job isn’t any different than that of an actor of any other gender, so I don’t see the need to differentiate.

Yet I understand and share the frustration with gender neutral words that originally referred to men and now refer to all genders, actor included. I see how this can encourage and reinforce the idea of the male default, that male is normal and typical and other genders are strange and unusual. If we lump everyone together under originally male terms, it can feel like we’re losing the differences between genders and saying “just be more normal and masculine already.” It does bug me to know that “actress” will never become a gender neutral term, but “actor” can be used as gender neutral. I am exhausted by this idea of gender neutrality that really means women should be more masculine and fall under male terms.

Coming from both of those places, of preferring gender neutral terms whenever possible, but also of being annoyed by the masculinity of the supposedly gender neutral, I call myself a domme. When it comes to acting, I feel like it’s the same basic job no matter who’s doing it. I don’t feel that way about domination. In our world and our culture, the idea of a dominant woman is still subversive, still contrary, still makes people uncomfortable. A dominant man is just filling the expected social role, but a dominant woman challenges those social roles. These are such different ideas in a world where the social expectations for men and women are so different that yes, I think we need different words for them.

I call myself a domme because my identity as a dominant is so affected by and wrapped up in my identity as a woman. I clearly have some conflicting feelings about words and gender, but this is the position I’ve settled on. If someone is going to refer to me as a dominant, I want everyone in the conversation to know that I am a woman. I don’t want people to assume that I’m a man because I’m taking on a dominant role. My dominance is wrapped up in and tangled with my woman-ness, and I don’t feel like I can separate the two. My kink role is always interacting with my social role, and my expected gender role. I wish that we lived in a society where all terms could be gender neutral, and where I didn’t have to choose between typing out the word “dominant” and gendering myself. I wish I lived in a world where the idea of a dominant woman was neither strange nor upsetting. Tragically, I live in this world, and this is the way that I’m going to try to navigate through it.

Do you use gendered or ungendered kink terms and honorifics? How did you come to those decisions?

Destiny Super Soft Review

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Today I get to review another Tantus Super Soft dildo for y’all! That big shiny copper thing is the Destiny Super Soft, the second toy in Tantus’ new line of soft, squishy dildos. It’s the soft version of the Tantus Raptor, which is currently in closeout.

The copper color is gorgeous, of course, it’s lovely and shiny and an underused color in mainstream dildos. The Destiny has beautiful vein detailing. Unfortunately, all it is is beautiful, because most of it is down around the balls where you can’t insert it.

The Destiny has approximately the same level of squish that the Vamp does, and I cannot for the life of me come up with a better comparison that a soft art eraser. Suffice it to say that it has quite a bit of give, but it’s far from the floppy pillow-soft silicone found in fantasy toys and also has quite a bit of substance. Softness is always helpful when one is trying to set a new size record: the Destiny is 1.9″ diameter at its widest point, making it the largest thing that’s ever been inside of my vagina at time of writing! I would like to personally thank everyone on Twitter who congratulated me on this momentous occasion. Y’all’re great.

Let’s talk about these balls for a second. Personally, I find them to be kind of in the way, and I don’t really like the aesthetic of them. They mostly serve to make the Destiny really heavy. The ad copy talks about how the balls can hang outside of a strap-on harness for a more “realistic” experience, but I think it’s odd to talk about realism with a dildo that only vaguely resembles a human penis and only comes in copper and purple. The balls themselves are small, even, and pert, and not very realistic, and the coronal ridge is way more defined and abrupt than a real one. These aren’t bad things about this dildo, and it’s okay for a dildo to be an interpretation of a penis rather than an exact copy. I just wish the ad copy was more matched to the actual toy it’s trying to sell.

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I have mixed feelings about the shape of this toy. It’s very much front-loaded and has a pretty sharp coronal ridge, which means it’s going to pop when it’s inserted. Long time readers will remember that I don’t love a sharp popping sensation, but I do appreciate the way that front-loaded toys “lock” into the vagina and hang out there. This makes the Destiny a terrible toy for thrusting, at least for me. The bulbous head also means that the girth increases really quickly and bluntly, which isn’t great for a toy that’s larger than you’re used to. A tapered tip like on the Vamp is a more gentle way to increase size. If you’re unlike me and are comfortable with two inches, then of course this isn’t going to be a problem for you.

For me, the shape means that the most comfortable and pleasurable thing to do with this toy is just leave it in and clench around the bulb, maybe wiggling it ever so slightly. In this size and firmness, I found this to be really intense and also really fun. Because it’s a bit of a stretch for me, I felt a really intense, lovely fullness when I squeezed, and especially during orgasm when my vaginal muscles contracted.

I recommend the Destiny Super Soft to anyone who likes big, squishy dildos, isn’t too bothered by balls on dildos, and likes a very front-loaded toy. Also, anyone who’s into rad metallic colors!

You can buy the Destiny Super Soft from Tantus!

The Destiny Super Soft was provided to me free of charge by Tantus in exchange for an honest, unbiased review. Thank you, Tantus!