Why I Won’t Be Your Tinder Unicorn

unicorn

It’s not because I’m not down for threesomes.

I have had several excellent threesomes in my day, with partners and friends. I generally find them to be a lot of fun. There’s things you can do with three people that you can’t do with two. It can be really cool to see how everyone’s dynamics shift and change and interact with each other’s. I like watching and being watched. And of course, there’s always the excitement of seeing who gets to be in the middle.

It’s not because I’m not down for casual sex.

For me, sex doesn’t have to be tied up in romance. I’ve had sex with friends and acquaintances, and sometimes it can be freeing to know that this is just playtime, without any serious expectations attached. A good no-strings hookup is sometimes just what the doctor ordered for flirty fun.

It’s not because I’m not down to date established couples.

I have dated individuals who are in open relationships. I have dated two people who are also dating each other. It can be intimidating to know that your new crush is a married woman, or that there’s years of experience and history between these two people that you’ve just met. It can also be cool, because you can get let in on inside jokes, and one person can give you the cheat codes on how the other person likes to be fucked, and the previously-established patterns can be comfortable and easy even if they’re new-to-you.

It’s because I only fuck people I like, and you have given me nothing to go on.

You don’t mention what kind of music y’all like, or what hobbies you have. You haven’t told me what kind of dates you want to take me on, or what tv show will be playing in the background while we bang. What kind of tea do you like? Did you cry at the end of Guardians of the Galaxy 2? Will you go salsa dancing with me? What’s your favorite novel? Give me some indication that I’ll actually have a good time with you.

It’s because I suspect you have no idea how ethical nonmonogamy works.

Did y’all talk about this first? Like, at all? Because there’s only pictures of one of you. Or because you say you’re looking for a third, but don’t tell me your girlfriend’s name.  Ethical monogamy is all about honesty and communication, not springing things on your partner or hiding information from a potential new partner. You talk about “adding” someone to your relationship or “looking for a girl who’s willing to explore new things” which makes me think you have no idea what you’re doing. Please do some reading first, and then get back to me.

It’s because you’re not looking for a person, and I am a person.

Your whole profile is just “looking for hot female to have fun with.” I don’t care if you’re a man, woman, nb, straight couple, queer couple, or a veritable coven of hot babes: that’s an unacceptable Tinder profile. I’m not just a “hot female” who will waltz into your life, fill the slot labeled “unicorn,” give you a sexy threesome to remember and then disappear into a puff of smoke, without ever wanting to have a conversation or an orgasm. That person doesn’t exist, because want you really want is a sex object.

So no, I won’t be your Tinder unicorn.

 

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