Are You a Cat-Person or a Dog-Person?

collar and leash

“If you were an animal, what animal would you be and why?”

I am in a job interview, sweating slightly in my skirt suit. I want to present myself in the best light, but my answer comes easily.

“I’d probably be a domestic cat,” I reply. “I’m pretty independent. I’m also an introvert, so like a cat, sometimes I want to be around people and sometimes I do my own thing.”

The interviewers nod and scribble on a clipboard. If not the most unique or inspiring response, I at least managed to come up with an acceptable answer.

It did seem to fit: I’m a bit of a homebody, I like naps, I like my own space. I would definitely be a domestic animal, not a wild one, cause I’m just not that adventurous. Indoor cats get taken care of, they get to do their own thing, and they get luxuries like temperature controlled housing that I’m quite fond of.

I like being petted and cuddled. I can totally see myself doing that cat thing where they plop on someone’s lap, having decided that they want attention. Then later, they abruptly leave to play with yarn or roll around in a patch of sun, because they’ve had quite enough attention, thank you very much.

I happen to be a lady type person, and cats get coded as feminine and dogs as masculine, even though that’s silly and rather arbitrary. I’m also a cat person; I’d rather own a cat than a dog. I tend to get along with cats better because we understand each other. If anything, I’m probably a cat.

~~~~~~~~~~

“I think you’re more of a dog,” my boyfriend tells me.

I blink. Nobody’s ever said that to me before, considering my aforementioned general homebody-ness, love for cat naps, and preference for cats as pets.

“What makes you say that?” I ask him.

“Well, you love being petted. You’re obedient. You like being led around on a leash. You love being called a good girl. You’re always excited to see your Master. Heck, you even wag your tail.”

I mull this over in my mind for a long time. All of those are true things. I tend to think of it as “happy butt wiggles,” but admittedly, I do sort of wag my tail when I’m excited. The honorific “Master” has never resonated with me cause I’m just not that into Master/slave, but somehow it’s okay when it’s in a pup context.

I’d never thought of myself as a dog or a puppy. I haven’t done much pet play in my life, being much more drawn to a little girl persona when I’m subby. When I did do pet play in the past, I wasn’t really drawn to a specific animal persona. He does tend to bring out those pup-type traits in me, though. I mentally poke at the idea, wondering how I feel about it.

~~~~~~~~~~

I guess that’s how I find myself in this position, crawling around on the floor in a collar, with him leading me around by a leash.

“Good girl,” he tells me, and I melt and let out a little whine. I lick his hand and wag my tail, and he chuckles softly, patting me on the head. “What a good girl pup you are.”

I smile, content to sit at his feet and be petted. I’m so happy to get tugged around, and praised for obeying orders, and, best of all, loved on. I nuzzle my head into his lap, thinking that perhaps I’m more of a dog person than I thought I was.

Help! There’s Something Immoral In My Smut!

immoral smut

Buckle in, folks, cause today we’re going to talk about ethics in written smut!

I get off on a lot of things that would be unquestionably horrible if they were to happen in real life, but which turn me on in an imaginary fantasy context. I was inspired to write this post because there’s a long standing exhausting debate in many fandoms that basically boils down to this question:

Is it okay for your fanfiction smut to contain things that are morally unacceptable?

One line of this argument that I often hear has to do with Young People on the Internet. This is especially relevant to fandoms of content that is ostensibly intended for children, but is also consumed and enjoyed by adults. It’s also a topic that comes up in fandoms where the characters are canonically minors.

First question: Is it acceptable for kids on the internet to see this content?

If it’s on the internet, kids are gonna find it. So one side of the argument goes like this: Young people learn a lot of their lessons about sexuality from the media they consume. This media includes fanfiction. Media that presents things like abusive behavior or violence as romantic or sexy (I’m looking at you, Twilight franchise) can be incredibly damaging to young people who receive and internalize those messages. Therefore, fanfiction authors have a responsibility to not write that kind of content, especially where kids can easily read it and get the wrong ideas.

Kids definitely get idea about sex from the media they consume; lord knows I did. There’s also no question that these messages can get them to believe harmful things. I am far from the first person to point out that messages like “he’s mean to you because he likes you” or “true love won’t take no for an answer” can have terrifying and very real consequences.

On the other hand, kids have been exposed to cultural messages regarding sexuality long before they find fanfiction. Additionally, fanfiction archives like Archive of Our Own have elaborate tagging systems which allow readers to avoid or to find explicit content, depending on their preferences. So at least in the realm of fanfiction, there isn’t a lot of thrusting these types of smut on people who aren’t down for it.

Furthermore, let’s not pretend that teens never have sexualities or an interest in sex. Reading fanfiction can be a way for young people to explore their sexuality on their own in a way that feels safe, and I am loathe to bar them from that. Some of those kids are going to grow up into kinksters like me, and I would rather educate them about how to play with kink safely than try to hide it from them entirely.

Second question: Is it acceptable to police the sexual fantasies of others?

Another side of the argument goes like this: It’s a fantasy, of course I don’t condone this behavior in real life. You don’t have to read it if you don’t want to.  Stop dictating to people  what they can and cannot get off on (especially women on the internet, who make up the majority of fanfiction writers).

When it comes to the question of policing other’s fantasy lives, I lean strongly towards “no.” It is very important to remember that when we take our own fucked up private fantasies, write them down, and put them on the internet, they do have the potential to harm the people who read them. However, I don’t think the answer is to not have these fantasies, or to not share them. I think the answer is closer to content warnings and specific corners of the internet for these types of content. We want to let people know what they’re getting into and give them the ability to opt out.

This is much less of a cut-and-dry issue than I want it to be, and this post can’t possibly cover all the existing discourse around it. I hope that this has nevertheless been a nuanced discussion of a complicated topic. In the end, I believe in the importance of sexual freedom and that we should exercise that freedom in ways that cause the least amount of harm possible.

Baby’s First Paddle

paddle 1

One of the things on my wishlist for 2017 was my very first paddle. While no stranger to impact play of various kinds, I had never owned a real honest-to-god paddle of my own. Way back in February, I took the leap and bought one.

I was lucky enough to get some excellent advice from esteemed kinkster and blogger extraordinaire Kate Sloane. She suggested that I look on Etsy for a small-ish wooden or Lexan paddle as my first impact toy. Her reasoning was that something small and firm would be easier for me to control as a new impact top, and I would be less likely to accidentally injure someone. Kate also mentioned that thicker and heavier paddles would create a more thuddy sensation, where thinner, lighter ones would sting more.

The paddle I got is from RN Woodcraft on Etsy. It’s 12″ long and 3/4″ thick, and designed to look like a rounded wooden hairbrush. (If a paddle that’s only a foot long seems small to you, please remember that I am 5’4″.) It’s made of purpleheart wood, and I confess that I picked it over the other hairbrush style paddles in the shop because of its lovely reddish color.

While I like getting hit with it, it’s not my favorite type of impact to receive. When swung forcefully enough, the flat side of the wood can feel vaguely reminiscent of doing belly flops into a swimming pool. I think that’s because the paddle has a fairly wide surface area, but still manages to sting a good deal. I don’t have a very high pain tolerance and prefer thuddy to stingy impact, so I find it difficult to take hard hits from this paddle. It does provide a more intense beating than someone’s hand, though, which is sometimes something I’m craving.

Where this paddle shines for me is as a top. I’m really glad I listened to Kate’s advice on this one, because learning how to use it went so smoothly. I love the way it fits perfectly in my grasp; the handle is thin enough for my admittedly small hand to hold it comfortably. It’s easy for me to use because it feels like a natural extension of my hand. It makes sense, I’ve always preferred weapons I know I can control and wield with accuracy. With practice, I’ve gotten better at aiming my hits and gauging their intensity, but it’s been a pretty intuitive learning process.

Since getting my first paddle, I’ve discovered that I really like giving over the knee spankings with a paddle: I can hold my partner close to me and pet them and kiss them while still giving a much more intense beating than I can with my bare hand. This strongly appeals to my Mama Domme tendencies. I hope to acquire more paddles and a variety of other short-range impact implements that I can use this way.

Getting my first paddle felt like a rite of passage. My paddle is a kink tool with a practical use, but it’s also symbolic. It says “I am enough of a kinkster to invest in nice impact toys.” I look forward to slowly building a sizeable collection of lovely hitty things!

Why I Won’t Be Your Tinder Unicorn

unicorn

It’s not because I’m not down for threesomes.

I have had several excellent threesomes in my day, with partners and friends. I generally find them to be a lot of fun. There’s things you can do with three people that you can’t do with two. It can be really cool to see how everyone’s dynamics shift and change and interact with each other’s. I like watching and being watched. And of course, there’s always the excitement of seeing who gets to be in the middle.

It’s not because I’m not down for casual sex.

For me, sex doesn’t have to be tied up in romance. I’ve had sex with friends and acquaintances, and sometimes it can be freeing to know that this is just playtime, without any serious expectations attached. A good no-strings hookup is sometimes just what the doctor ordered for flirty fun.

It’s not because I’m not down to date established couples.

I have dated individuals who are in open relationships. I have dated two people who are also dating each other. It can be intimidating to know that your new crush is a married woman, or that there’s years of experience and history between these two people that you’ve just met. It can also be cool, because you can get let in on inside jokes, and one person can give you the cheat codes on how the other person likes to be fucked, and the previously-established patterns can be comfortable and easy even if they’re new-to-you.

It’s because I only fuck people I like, and you have given me nothing to go on.

You don’t mention what kind of music y’all like, or what hobbies you have. You haven’t told me what kind of dates you want to take me on, or what tv show will be playing in the background while we bang. What kind of tea do you like? Did you cry at the end of Guardians of the Galaxy 2? Will you go salsa dancing with me? What’s your favorite novel? Give me some indication that I’ll actually have a good time with you.

It’s because I suspect you have no idea how ethical nonmonogamy works.

Did y’all talk about this first? Like, at all? Because there’s only pictures of one of you. Or because you say you’re looking for a third, but don’t tell me your girlfriend’s name.  Ethical monogamy is all about honesty and communication, not springing things on your partner or hiding information from a potential new partner. You talk about “adding” someone to your relationship or “looking for a girl who’s willing to explore new things” which makes me think you have no idea what you’re doing. Please do some reading first, and then get back to me.

It’s because you’re not looking for a person, and I am a person.

Your whole profile is just “looking for hot female to have fun with.” I don’t care if you’re a man, woman, nb, straight couple, queer couple, or a veritable coven of hot babes: that’s an unacceptable Tinder profile. I’m not just a “hot female” who will waltz into your life, fill the slot labeled “unicorn,” give you a sexy threesome to remember and then disappear into a puff of smoke, without ever wanting to have a conversation or an orgasm. That person doesn’t exist, because want you really want is a sex object.

So no, I won’t be your Tinder unicorn.

 

To Be a Better Domme in 2018

2018

I wanted to make some sex and kink goals for the new year, to give myself some things to aspire to go in my personal life. I like the idea of setting intentions for one’s life, and deliberating what you want to do. As I was thinking about it, I realized that most of my goals have to do with coming into my role as a Domme, figuring out who I am when I’m in that role, and learning how to be a better Domme. Here are three domly things I want to focus on in 2018:

1. Rope skills.

I am still but a baby beginner rigger. I want to learn more knots and ties to add to my repertoire of domly abilities. I want to get more practice tying actual humans, because I have hardly any experience in that area. The only way to get good at something like this is to do it over and over again, so that’s what I want to do. I’d like to get good enough to do some fun rope scenes with partners this year.

2. Sadism.

I’ve always been really attracted to a caretaking style of dominance. I fully identify as a Mommy. I love getting to fulfill a submissive’s needs and have a bit of a service top streak. However, I also have a budding interest in pain. I want to experiment with the kind of dominance that’s more focused on doing what I want, with taking sadistic pleasure out of playing with someone and watching their reactions. I want to experiment with the different ways I can cause someone good pain, and see what I get out of it.

3. Confidence.

I have some genuine domly impulses. I also have a buttload of anxieties. Like a lot of people, domming can make me nervous because I’m worried about messing something up. It can also feel like there’s a lot of pressure to orchestrate everything perfectly. That shit stresses me out. I want to get more confident in my identity as a dominant, and work on feeling more comfortable in that role. It’s important to be careful with one’s submissive, but it’s also important to chill the fuck out. I want to learn to be the kind of dom that knows what they’re capable of and can go for it.

Hopefully I get to explore all of these exciting domly things in the upcoming year! Do you have any kink or sex goals for 2018?