The Daddy Diaries: On Switching

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After sharing a bit about both of my kink roles as a little girl and a Mommy Domme, I want to talk about switching. Being a switch is a bit odd sometimes. It can be strange, to so fully inhabit such drastically different roles. And yet, each of them feels right, and necessary, and good, and if you read my other pieces you know how important each of my roles are to me. It still surprises me sometimes that two wholly different headspaces can exist inside the same person. It feels contradictory.

When I get deep in a headspace it doesn’t occur to me that the other one exists. I’m not thinking about being in control while I’m on my knees in a collar. It doesn’t feel, in the moment, that I could be anything other than what I am right now. I’m too busy enjoying my role to consider that the pliant little boy in my arms was whipping me yesterday. After the moment, that’s when I think about it. That’s when I see how odd this must look from an outside perspective, like we can’t make up our minds or that we must be weirdly good at compartmentalizing. Maybe that last bit is true, I don’t know.

I do this thing sometimes where if I spend a decent amount of time in one role, or have a particularly intense scene in that role, the next day I’ll start craving the other role. It’s like the universe demands balance. I like this about the universe. I like the idea that my subconscious knows I need multiple kinds of emotional fulfillment, and pushes me to get it. I like that whichever role I’m playing, there will be love and nurturing and cherishing. I like that for us, ageplay lends itself to sweetness and caretaking, and that we can take care of each other in this way.

I definitely fall into my subby headspace more often than my dommy one. When I’m stressed or anxious or tired or otherwise craving comfort, I get little. To be dommy, I have to feel comfortable and un-stressed and awake. Dom me needs more brainpower and control and confidence. Luckily for me, my current partner is the opposite: he needs to feel comfortable, unstressed and safe to go into little space, and stress makes him want to take control of something he can control (namely, me). I’m stressed more often than not, thanks to my ambitious neurotic personality, so domspace is just harder for me to reach. Sometimes a good session of subbing will relax me enough that then a few hours after I’ll be able to dom. I dunno man, headspaces are weird and dynamic.

Sometimes I get imposter sydrome about being a switch. I’ll wonder if I’m just pretending to be a switch, or if I should just stick to one role. The thing is, I don’t have to. There’s no reason I shouldn’t embody both of my roles. I love being a switch who’s dating a switch because it gives me opportunity to do just that. I have nothing against switches who date people who aren’t switches, but I do think that for me, personally, the world is a much happier place when I can switch between headspaces.

I can’t imagine not being a switch. I love that it opens up so many worlds to explore. I love that I can try things from both sides and that I can understand my partner’s headspace better, having occupied a similar headspace myself. I love the balance of getting to switch back and forth with my partner. It feels right and good and whole, and my identity as a switch is just as important to me as my other two kink identities.

This is the third installment in The Daddy Diaries, a series on Daddy/Mommy kink, ageplay, my kink roles, and what they mean to me.

Tantus Little Flirt Review

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If you’ve read my other butt plug reviews, you may recall that I’ve been searching for the perfect everyday plug for quite some time now. For me, the perfect everyday plug would be easy to insert, stay put, not dry out too quickly, be comfortable for long term wear, and still provide some kind of sensation. I gotta say, the Tantus Little Flirt comes pretty darn close.

If you aren’t aware, I have strong feelings about butt plug bases.  The Little Flirt has the same anchor style base as the Tantus Neo, and I love it. It’s small, unobtrusive, and comfortable. It also has the same silky smooth texture as the Neo, which I also love. It’s soft and luscious and causes much less friction than either a glossy or a matte finish. If Tantus ever makes a dildo with this finish, I’ll be first in line. This is the updated version of the Little Flirt, and I think it’s a great decision Tantus is redesigning all their butt plugs to have this “satin” finish and the anchor base- it makes for really good butt plugs.

It’s a very small plug, with a max diameter of 0.8″. Tantus calls it “beginner friendly” and I have to agree. The diminutive size paired with the tapered tip and gentle increase and decrease in size makes it ideal for someone who’s just getting started with this whole butt stuff thing. My butt quite enjoys being stretched, so I was more looking for a plug for warm up and casual wear.

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I was really missing having a very small plug for warming up; it makes life a lot easier. Sometimes I can take the njoy Pure Plug Medium with no warm up, some days it’s uncomfortably large and firm without a solid warm up. The Little Flirt fills this niche in my toybox perfectly. It’s really easy to insert due to shape and texture. I let it stay there for a while as I get more aroused and get used to the feeling of something up my butt, and then I can take it out and move on to something bigger. There is a flipside to this: If I leave it in my butt while masturbating, there usually comes a point where I’m so turned on and relaxed that it doesn’t give me much sensation anymore. Also, I don’t always need it. There was one day when I pulled out the Little Flirt to be a warmup plug, and ended up skipping directly from fingers to my Neo. My butt was being a champ that day and didn’t need that extra warming up step. Butts are fickle, and I like having multiple sizes around so I can easily cater to my butt’s unpredictable whims.

So how does this plug fare for casual wear? Well, I’ve worn it around the house, doing dishes, sitting, etc. It went pretty well. It doesn’t stay in place quite as snugly as a front-loaded plug with more of a bulb shape. The bottom half of the plug and the neck kind of meld together, and the larger middle can slide down a little, prompting me to push it back all the way into my butt. I find that sitting straight on it puts uncomfortable pressure on my insides, so I tend to avoid sitting directly on the center of my butt while wearing it. The Little Flirt is very comfortable to wear for long periods of time, without getting pokey or an unpleasant too-much-stretching feeling. The silicone toy + water based lube combo does dry out fairly quickly and I occasionally need to remove it to reapply lube. You might remember from my njoy Pure Plug review that I loved the Pure Plug for intense stimulation, but for walking around, it didn’t feel like it was going to stay in and quickly became uncomfortable. The Little Flirt is pretty much the opposite of that. It’s easy to insert, doesn’t feel very intense, and stays put and feels comfortable while walking around.

This plug is great if you’re new to butt stuff, prefer small toys anally, need a warm up toy, or want something to wear while you fold laundry. If you need something larger, try the Tantus Neo, and if you’re looking for G-spot/prostate stimulation, try the njoy Pure Plugs. The Little Flirt is a comfortable, reliable little plug, and I’m happy to have it in my collection. You can find the Little Flirt at Tantus and SheVibe!

The Daddy Diaries: Little Girl

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Life feels like a power struggle to me. I fight every day to be in control, grasping for a firm footing in this world. I do all I can to stay in charge and in control and to keep my emotions in check and play by the rules. I have to be fierce and strong and on top of things all the time so that I don’t screw them up or get screwed over, and it’s exhausting. It’s such a relief to let someone else be in charge and trust that they won’t let me down, that for an hour at least I can let someone else make the decisions and not have to be smart or strong. I’m so tired of trying to be in charge of my life, of making plans and lists and contingencies and still getting sideswiped by circumstance. Curling up in a onesie and sucking a paci and being held by someone who loves me dearly, these are things that belong to someone who doesn’t have to worry about the world or about trying to carve out a foothold in it. Someone like that can just enjoy tactile sensations without having to think about them. That person is safe and loved and will never be otherwise.

Wanting someone else to be in charge applies to all kinds of submission, of course. For me, there’s something special about ageplay. Between a child and their caretaker there’s such a complete helplessness, and ideally, total trust and love. I want to feel smaller than, less than, and know that’s just fine, that’s not a bad thing, it’s just the way it is. I want to be nurtured and loved and cared for, coddled and treated gently, and know that I’m not in charge and that’s okay. I crave a loving kind of submission, a sweet kind of dominance to submit to.

When I’m little, I also feel physically small, like the world is too big. My mind is usually so busy and frantic, overthinking and worrying and constantly spewing thoughts. It shrinks down to the world immediately surrounding me. Physical sensations feel all-encompassing, emotions are intense, my whole universe is Daddy’s arms. I desperately want to be good and safe and comforted. Everything comes in fuzzy waves and it’s all so much. I’m a little helpless and a lot needy. It’s like all the needs and wants I bury in order to be a functional adult come to the surface and get to be addressed. I admit how much I desperately want to be loved.

Little space is like a floating bubble of soft fuzzy light. It’s a lack of having to constantly inhibit myself. I don’t have to control myself because I have someone who will do it for me. I’m so very bad at being content. I’m too ambitious, too antsy, too restless, too dysthymic.  I work too hard and I have a hard time relaxing. Little me can relax. Little me is better at being content. Little me is content to be still and know that I am loved. And really, that’s all I need sometimes.

This is the second installment in The Daddy Diaries, a series on Daddy/Mommy kink, ageplay, my kink roles, and what they mean to me.

The Daddy Diaries: Mommy Domme

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My favorite part is when he lets me finger him. I make him ask for what he wants, even though it embarrasses him. I want to hear him say how much he wants his Mommy, how empty he feels, how much he wants me to fuck him. I like rolling him onto his side while I finger him. He looks so vulnerable and small, all curled up in the fetal position, his cute little butt poking out so I can reach it. I tell him : “Mommy’s going to take good care of you,” and I’ve never meant anything more. He’s so open and exposed and trusting, god, so trusting, and it makes me want to keep him safe and close and never let anything hurt that trust.

I pull on the black gloves and open up the lube he likes best for butt stuff, tease around his hole with my wet finger. It’s to get him ready and comfortable, but also because I love making him wait. I love making him desperate. I love telling him that Mommy’s going to make him feel good if he just waits patiently like a good boy. Mommy know what’s best for you, Mommy knows what you need. I slowly slip one finger inside, and he lets out a breathy little gasp. If I’ve told him he can, his hand is wrapped around his cock, arm curled into his side. He moves his fingers and I move mine, fucking in a slow, even rhythm. With my left hand, I pet his naked back. I murmur how good he’s being, he’s taking it so well. He lets out a few small noises that are part whimper, part moan, and they excite me. I love how much he loves this, being slowly taken apart, lying back and doing as he’s told and getting rewarded for it.

I start thrusting very quickly, as fast as my arm can move, because I know he likes it and because it makes him make little keening noises that tell me it’s overwhelming, in the good way. He likes the way it feels, and I know I can do it exactly the way that will make him fall apart. He’s told me that he likes it better when I do it, that when he plays with his own hole it feels good, but not as good as when Mommy does it. It’s more fun for him when he’s not in control, when he doesn’t know what’s coming next. So I make it fun. I change the rhythm, go from short, quick, thrusts to deep slow long ones, taking advantage of the angle to push my finger in all the way down to my hand. I switch between fingers, playing with how much size I’ll give him. I give him just my fingertip, then the entire length. I giggle when I manage to surprise him, when he gasps at the sudden change and then keens because I’ve made him feel so good. I delight in how he lets me do whatever I want to his pretty hole, feel a rush of power from how in control I am. There’s also deep pressure to be nurturing, to use that power to make him feel good, to make him happy that he lets me do as I please with him. Mommy always gives her baby what he needs.

I slip his plug in while I grab my harness, so he doesn’t have to feel empty for even a moment. I watch him watch me as I pull the buttery soft leather strap taught and buckle it, his eyes big with anticipation. I pour lube on the dildo and stroke it with my fist a few times, as though it were my own cock. “Are you ready for Mommy to fuck you, little one?” He’s eager and excited, and I tell him to get on all fours. I line myself up behind him and work the plug out, replace it with the dildo and slide in to the hilt. I tell him to touch his pretty cock, that he can come whenever he wants while Mommy’s fucking him. I grip his hips with my hands and try to keep an even pace that’s fast enough to drive him crazy. I wonder if I could leave little fingerprint bruises on his hips, if he would know they’re little messages of how much his Mommy loves him. He’s lost in it and I love to watch him like this. He comes and I keep thrusting as he spills out onto the sheets, making a beautiful mess. What a good boy you are, I tell him. You did so well, I’m so proud of you.

I pull out and slip out of my harness, and he collapses on his side with a groan. I lie down on my back and pull him close so that his head is on my chest and my arms are around him. I want to keep him touching me, keep him close and safe. I pet his hair and his back and kiss his forehead as he breathes deeply, still in a hazy afterglow. I feel so close to him in this moment, like he’s opened himself up to me. He lets me take him apart and put him back together again, and trusts that I’ll keep him safe while I do. It’s astonishingly intimate, that kind of surrender from another human being. He murmurs out “You’re the best Mommy ever” and I laugh, but inside those words give me a surge of happiness. I adore this feeling, this loving, nurturing, powerful feeling that I get, and I love getting to be his Mommy Domme.

This is the first installment in The Daddy Diaries, a series on Daddy/Mommy kink, ageplay, my kink roles, and what they mean to me.