After sharing a bit about both of my kink roles as a little girl and a Mommy Domme, I want to talk about switching. Being a switch is a bit odd sometimes. It can be strange, to so fully inhabit such drastically different roles. And yet, each of them feels right, and necessary, and good, and if you read my other pieces you know how important each of my roles are to me. It still surprises me sometimes that two wholly different headspaces can exist inside the same person. It feels contradictory.
When I get deep in a headspace it doesn’t occur to me that the other one exists. I’m not thinking about being in control while I’m on my knees in a collar. It doesn’t feel, in the moment, that I could be anything other than what I am right now. I’m too busy enjoying my role to consider that the pliant little boy in my arms was whipping me yesterday. After the moment, that’s when I think about it. That’s when I see how odd this must look from an outside perspective, like we can’t make up our minds or that we must be weirdly good at compartmentalizing. Maybe that last bit is true, I don’t know.
I do this thing sometimes where if I spend a decent amount of time in one role, or have a particularly intense scene in that role, the next day I’ll start craving the other role. It’s like the universe demands balance. I like this about the universe. I like the idea that my subconscious knows I need multiple kinds of emotional fulfillment, and pushes me to get it. I like that whichever role I’m playing, there will be love and nurturing and cherishing. I like that for us, ageplay lends itself to sweetness and caretaking, and that we can take care of each other in this way.
I definitely fall into my subby headspace more often than my dommy one. When I’m stressed or anxious or tired or otherwise craving comfort, I get little. To be dommy, I have to feel comfortable and un-stressed and awake. Dom me needs more brainpower and control and confidence. Luckily for me, my current partner is the opposite: he needs to feel comfortable, unstressed and safe to go into little space, and stress makes him want to take control of something he can control (namely, me). I’m stressed more often than not, thanks to my ambitious neurotic personality, so domspace is just harder for me to reach. Sometimes a good session of subbing will relax me enough that then a few hours after I’ll be able to dom. I dunno man, headspaces are weird and dynamic.
Sometimes I get imposter sydrome about being a switch. I’ll wonder if I’m just pretending to be a switch, or if I should just stick to one role. The thing is, I don’t have to. There’s no reason I shouldn’t embody both of my roles. I love being a switch who’s dating a switch because it gives me opportunity to do just that. I have nothing against switches who date people who aren’t switches, but I do think that for me, personally, the world is a much happier place when I can switch between headspaces.
I can’t imagine not being a switch. I love that it opens up so many worlds to explore. I love that I can try things from both sides and that I can understand my partner’s headspace better, having occupied a similar headspace myself. I love the balance of getting to switch back and forth with my partner. It feels right and good and whole, and my identity as a switch is just as important to me as my other two kink identities.
This is the third installment in The Daddy Diaries, a series on Daddy/Mommy kink, ageplay, my kink roles, and what they mean to me.