On Gendered Terms and Being a Domme

Dom(me)

In general, I’m frustrated by and opposed to needlessly gendered terms. They’re so unnecessary. I think it’s ridiculous to change a title just because the gender of the person changes. Take for example the words “actor” and “actress.” They mean exactly the same thing, except one is feminine and one is masculine. I tend to call myself an actor, because I am a person who acts. My job isn’t any different than that of an actor of any other gender, so I don’t see the need to differentiate.

Yet I understand and share the frustration with gender neutral words that originally referred to men and now refer to all genders, actor included. I see how this can encourage and reinforce the idea of the male default, that male is normal and typical and other genders are strange and unusual. If we lump everyone together under originally male terms, it can feel like we’re losing the differences between genders and saying “just be more normal and masculine already.” It does bug me to know that “actress” will never become a gender neutral term, but “actor” can be used as gender neutral. I am exhausted by this idea of gender neutrality that really means women should be more masculine and fall under male terms.

Coming from both of those places, of preferring gender neutral terms whenever possible, but also of being annoyed by the masculinity of the supposedly gender neutral, I call myself a domme. When it comes to acting, I feel like it’s the same basic job no matter who’s doing it. I don’t feel that way about domination. In our world and our culture, the idea of a dominant woman is still subversive, still contrary, still makes people uncomfortable. A dominant man is just filling the expected social role, but a dominant woman challenges those social roles. These are such different ideas in a world where the social expectations for men and women are so different that yes, I think we need different words for them.

I call myself a domme because my identity as a dominant is so affected by and wrapped up in my identity as a woman. I clearly have some conflicting feelings about words and gender, but this is the position I’ve settled on. If someone is going to refer to me as a dominant, I want everyone in the conversation to know that I am a woman. I don’t want people to assume that I’m a man because I’m taking on a dominant role. My dominance is wrapped up in and tangled with my woman-ness, and I don’t feel like I can separate the two. My kink role is always interacting with my social role, and my expected gender role. I wish that we lived in a society where all terms could be gender neutral, and where I didn’t have to choose between typing out the word “dominant” and gendering myself. I wish I lived in a world where the idea of a dominant woman was neither strange nor upsetting. Tragically, I live in this world, and this is the way that I’m going to try to navigate through it.

Do you use gendered or ungendered kink terms and honorifics? How did you come to those decisions?

Destiny Super Soft Review

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Today I get to review another Tantus Super Soft dildo for y’all! That big shiny copper thing is the Destiny Super Soft, the second toy in Tantus’ new line of soft, squishy dildos. It’s the soft version of the Tantus Raptor, which is currently in closeout.

The copper color is gorgeous, of course, it’s lovely and shiny and an underused color in mainstream dildos. The Destiny has beautiful vein detailing. Unfortunately, all it is is beautiful, because most of it is down around the balls where you can’t insert it.

The Destiny has approximately the same level of squish that the Vamp does, and I cannot for the life of me come up with a better comparison that a soft art eraser. Suffice it to say that it has quite a bit of give, but it’s far from the floppy pillow-soft silicone found in fantasy toys and also has quite a bit of substance. Softness is always helpful when one is trying to set a new size record: the Destiny is 1.9″ diameter at its widest point, making it the largest thing that’s ever been inside of my vagina at time of writing! I would like to personally thank everyone on Twitter who congratulated me on this momentous occasion. Y’all’re great.

Let’s talk about these balls for a second. Personally, I find them to be kind of in the way, and I don’t really like the aesthetic of them. They mostly serve to make the Destiny really heavy. The ad copy talks about how the balls can hang outside of a strap-on harness for a more “realistic” experience, but I think it’s odd to talk about realism with a dildo that only vaguely resembles a human penis and only comes in copper and purple. The balls themselves are small, even, and pert, and not very realistic, and the coronal ridge is way more defined and abrupt than a real one. These aren’t bad things about this dildo, and it’s okay for a dildo to be an interpretation of a penis rather than an exact copy. I just wish the ad copy was more matched to the actual toy it’s trying to sell.

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I have mixed feelings about the shape of this toy. It’s very much front-loaded and has a pretty sharp coronal ridge, which means it’s going to pop when it’s inserted. Long time readers will remember that I don’t love a sharp popping sensation, but I do appreciate the way that front-loaded toys “lock” into the vagina and hang out there. This makes the Destiny a terrible toy for thrusting, at least for me. The bulbous head also means that the girth increases really quickly and bluntly, which isn’t great for a toy that’s larger than you’re used to. A tapered tip like on the Vamp is a more gentle way to increase size. If you’re unlike me and are comfortable with two inches, then of course this isn’t going to be a problem for you.

For me, the shape means that the most comfortable and pleasurable thing to do with this toy is just leave it in and clench around the bulb, maybe wiggling it ever so slightly. In this size and firmness, I found this to be really intense and also really fun. Because it’s a bit of a stretch for me, I felt a really intense, lovely fullness when I squeezed, and especially during orgasm when my vaginal muscles contracted.

I recommend the Destiny Super Soft to anyone who likes big, squishy dildos, isn’t too bothered by balls on dildos, and likes a very front-loaded toy. Also, anyone who’s into rad metallic colors!

You can buy the Destiny Super Soft from Tantus!

The Destiny Super Soft was provided to me free of charge by Tantus in exchange for an honest, unbiased review. Thank you, Tantus!

On Ballroom Dance, Domspace, and Platonic Power Exchange

dancing shoes

Last semester, on a whim, I took a ballroom dance class. I’ve always enjoyed partner dances and social dancing, but I’d never really learned any vocabulary. In my dance class, our teacher let us pick our dance roles- leader or follower- regardless of gender or any other trait, which I thoroughly appreciated. I decided to be a lead, also kinda on a whim. I think my whole thought process was “I want to dance with pretty girls!” At the time, it didn’t feel like a big deal, since the teacher was cool with it and we have a handful of other female-presenting leads in the class.

The other day, I showed up to dance class tired and grumpy. My teacher corrected my positioning, which is literally her job and she was perfectly polite about it, but it didn’t help with the grumpiness. I went to dance with a friend of mine, and proceeded to be a very poor lead and get us all tangled up. I apologized to her and mentioned that I did not at all feel like I was in a good headspace to be leading. I was stressed and preoccupied and felt like shrinking away and hiding. She said she could tell. This friend happens to know that I’m a switch, and she started bratting at me. She said “come on, boss me around” and “make me move.” It was terribly effective. Suddenly, it was a challenge, a goading taunt from someone who wants you to overpower them, but only after you’ve earned it. I got bossy, spurred on by her mischievous grin and the amazing power of brats to get a rise out of me. My leading improved drastically after that.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this incident, because it’s taught me a couple of things. Firstly, the headspace I need to lead a dance is eerily similar to domspace. I have to be assertive, self-confident, willing to make decisions and follow through on them, and maintain control of the situation. I have to communicate to my partner what I want them to do, and show them where I want us to go. For both activities, leading a dance and domming in a scene, it is crucial that I be in the right kind of headspace. As demonstrated by my bratty friend, sometimes headspaces can be influenced by people or situations, and I can get where I need to be. But if I try to take the lead when I am in no way emotionally prepared for it, it’s not going to end well.

A second valuable lesson I’ve learned from leading is how to be forceful without being harmful, and how to find that limit for different partners. Sometimes when I’m domming, I’ll get super anxious about being too bossy, too mean, going too hard, and upsetting or injuring my sub. This is a valid and useful fear, but I can get in my head about it and become completely incapable of being dominant. Nonverbal communication in dance requires physical connection with your partner and touch cues, like raising your hand or guiding your partner with a hand on their back. You have to have enough connection and push hard enough that they understand you, but not so hard that you bruise their ribs or anything. Figuring out this kind of balance in leading has been helpful to me in finding that balance in being dominant.

Thirdly, I love platonic power exchange. It can be so useful, like helping me to perform well in class or in the case of productivity domming, when someone (consenually) bosses you into getting your work done. It also does good things for my mental and emotional health. Kink, to me, is not just a fun thing to do during sex. It’s an inherent part of how I interact with and experience the world. The give and take of power is present in all kinds of human interactions, and I am especially aware of and in tune with these power exchanges. To me, that’s what being kinky is all about.

Fanfiction Roundup: Daddy Kink

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I’ve waxed poetic about my love for Daddy/Mommy kink from both sides and talked about how it feels to switch in between those two roles. Now I want to share some of my favorite Daddy kink fanfictions! As with many kinks, there are all kinds of different flavors and varieties of Daddy kink, and I’ve tried to include several of them. Without any further ado:

  1. Whatever You Say, Daddy by Triangulum (Teen Wolf): In which Lydia is tired of clumsy young boys and goes in search of a daddy who knows what they’re doing. She ends up with two. This is the classic “young slut tries to seduce older man, gets more than she bargained for” scenario. I love a good double penetration scene, and Lydia discovering how much she loves being her daddies’ fuck doll. Also, the “daddy knows best, only daddy knows how to take care of you” angle is just excellent.
  2. Family Man by Skull4601 (The Avengers): The Avengers are a poly family that roleplay as an actual family. Steve is the team dad, Thor is his housewife, Clint is a teenager, Tony is the precocious ten year old, Bruce is a little kid, and Natasha’s the baby. This one is less porn and more feelings, and talks a lot about what each of the characters get out of their respective roles. I love that, I love how much sense it makes that Tony would want to be a clever kid again and Steve would want to take care of people. I can really relate to feeling like you need a kink role on a deep emotional level.
  3. How Close is Close? by Julibean19 (Teen Wolf): Jackson and Stiles reconnect in a BDSM club. Jackson figures out that Stiles could use a daddy and volunteers for the job. I totally relate to Stiles’ feelings about being sick of being the adult all the time and just wanting someone who cares as much as he does. Featuring clothed/naked shenanigans, possessiveness, and the very pinnacle of gentle, loving domination.
  4. Take Me Home by Not_You (The Avengers): This one is part of a larger series, but I feel like the porn makes sense on its own. Set in a D/s universe, Nick Fury is a jaded dom and Natasha is a traumatized but recovering sub. He takes her home, she calls him daddy, the rest is history (and porn). I love how earnestly submissive Natasha is here, how much she really wants to please her daddy and how much she cares that he’s comfortable and happy. There’s a focus here on how much trust and care a dynamic like this requires, and it gives me feelings.
  5. Daddies Dearest by razielim (Percy Jackson): Nico is a bratty baby who knows just how to get what he wants from his daddies. I have definitely pulled the “dress in a provocative outfit and act like an innocent child who has no idea why their big is so wound up” game. It’s a fun game. Also, spitroasting.
  6. Proper Playground Behavior by Not_You (Hannibal): This is also part of a larger series but works well as a standalone. Hannibal and Will are in an established relationship, and Will works up the courage to ask about ageplay and wanting to go to an ageplay event at the BDSM club they frequent. There’s lots of nonsexual ageplay like coloring and making snacks for little one, and also Hannibal being the brattiest little ever and jumping Will’s bones. Overall, it’s a great balance of the two. Beware mentions of cannibalism play, but nothing on-screen.
  7. Teenage Dream (Like I’m Livin’ a) by sullacat (The Avengers): One of my favorite things about fanfiction is all of the tropes where characters get in a weird contrived situation where they have to pretend to be in love and then catch feelings. Seriously, we have invented so many storylines to put our favorite characters through this angsty and incredibly unlikely scenario. Darcy has to go undercover as a little, and Clint has to pretend to be her daddy. So of course, they have to practice pretending to be in a dynamic. And they have to cultivate tumblrs full of ddlg porn. And of course Darcy has to suck Clint’s cock- because they need a distraction, not because she wants to. Let the fake relationship feels begin!
  8. Dyke Daddy Derek Hale by Spitshine (Teen Wolf): Who needs gender roles? Not femme leather daddy Derek or nonbinary slut Stiles. To be fair, if I met a femme leather daddy in a bar who was hard packing, I would probably also want to blow them in an alleyway. Stiles lifts their skirt and gets fucked up against a wall in that alleyway while strangers watch. Pure glorious genderfuckery leather daddy porn.
  9. Babies by Not_You (The Avengers): More poly Avengers family! In this one, Bruce is everyone’s daddy and there are many orgies. Pepper sometimes plays big sister, and sometimes she’s Mama, which makes my heart happy. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find mommy domme porn? Seriously, there isn’t nearly enough, and if you know of any good fanfics with mommy dommes, let me know. I love all the precious babies and sweetness and caretaking in this fic, it’s adorable.

 

 

Annamarie in the Middle’s First Blogiversary!

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Wow. So I’ve been doing this sex blogging thing for like a year now. In some ways, that’s a long time to stick with a project. In other ways, it hardly feels like any time at all. On June 20th of 2016 I decided to finally take the leap and launch my own blog. I had been voraciously devouring sex blogs since the previous November, and had created my own sex-positive Twitter that April. I wanted to do more. I had thoughts and opinions and a great love for this online space, and wanted to stretch my writing muscles. And I’m so glad I did.

Sex and sex positivity might be an unusual thing to be a nerd about, but one of my very favorite things about being a blogger is getting to be in a community with people who are just as weird as me in similar ways. I am passionate about comprehensive sex education, soft silicone dildos, access to contraception, spanking, lube safety, daddy kink, and destroying the stigma around sex. Getting to write about these things and get feedback from people who are just as passionate as me is such an honest simple joy. My favorite memories of this year of blogging involve other bloggers: getting fantasy toy sizing recommendations from Lunabelle, discussing pet play with Curious Kitt and the Chameleons, shouting about daddy kink with Taryn. Nerds love being around other nerds, and sex nerds are no exception.

Besides the community, my other favorite thing about sex blogging is honestly the writing itself. I hadn’t realized, before I started blogging, how much I missed getting to write things that were just for me and not for school. When I was younger, I wrote a lot of poetry. I loved doing that. I loved making the words fit together, I loved shaping the lines so that they fit, I loved the musicality of the words and their rhythm, I loved how I could paint pictures and create feelings with my words. I fell out of practice with it. Blogging feels like rekindling that old love of words and writing and creation, just in a different way. I’m an artist, and I’m so much happier when I get to be doing some kind of creative work.

I’ve learned a lot from this year of blogging. First: blogging is not a get rich quick scheme. Yes, I knew this before, yes, I had heard other bloggers say this. What they hadn’t said is that the money-making side is its own work on top of the work of writing and upkeep, and it’s time consuming and tedious and if you’re busy you might not be able to do it. What they hadn’t said is it’s completely easy to do this for a year and not earn any money whatsoever, that you probably will only get very little recognition, that you shouldn’t expect any success at all. What they hadn’t said is that’s not the only reason to do this, that even though there’s a focus on monetization, even though writing is work and bloggers do deserve to be compensated if they do any work for your company, there is also great satisfaction in writing something that you’re proud of and that you care about and sending it out into the world. Money isn’t the only measure of success, even if capitalism keeps trying to tell us it is. You’re allowed to be proud of your art and feel accomplished even if you never make a dime off of it. You’re allowed to love your art for the process of creating it and not for what it brings you later. Don’t do this for the money. Do it because you love the topic and the writing, or don’t do it at all.

Secondly, on a related note: don’t compare yourself to other people. Especially not people who have been doing this for years and are much more experienced than you. Also, in the weird world of the internet, sometimes some people go viral very quickly and experience a lot of success while the rest of us are still trudging along. That’s okay, and it doesn’t make you a bad person. I got much happier when I decided to focus hard on my writing and making it wonderful instead of on the number of Twitter followers I have.

I’m so glad I decided to do this weird crazy blogging thing. And I’m glad I decided to stick with it through my own doubts, fears, and insecurities, and not give up on myself. I’m not sure how long I’ll want to be blogging, but I hope I’m in it for the long haul. I want to keep writing. I want to stay in this corner of the internet for a while. I hope I can make it a little bit brighter and better while I’m here.

Tantus Vamp Super Soft Review

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It’s no secret that I adore soft, squishy silicone toys. So when Tantus announced a super soft version of their popular Vamp dildo, I just about squealed. Historically, very soft silicone has been found only from small indie dildo crafters and on fantasy toy sites. It’s been damn near impossible to find a large company making high quality toys out of soft silicone. It’s also hard to find realistic soft toys made out of safe materials, because generally that’s not what fantasy companies are producing. I’m so incredibly excited that Tantus has stepped up to the plate to fill this market.

Tantus has made a Vamp out of their firm silicone for years, and it’s one of their more popular toys. I never owned it because I know how hard their firm silicone is, and that I can’t handle a 1.75″ diameter toy in that density. Firm toys feel bigger and more intense than soft toys, and my vagina prefers things in the smaller and/or softer range. If you are a card carrying member of size royalty and/or a person who enjoys very firm toys, this is probably not the dildo for you. There’s going to be very little overlap in people who love the original firm Vamp and people who love the Vamp Super Soft, because density really makes a huge difference in use.

First and foremost, this toy is quite squishy. Tantus did not let me down with the super soft! It’s not the softest silicone I’ve ever encountered; it falls in the “slightly stale gummy bear” range of densities and is comparable to Damn Average’s Soft. It’s both bendy and has a decent amount of give when you squeeze it. I’m again reminded of an artist’s eraser when squeezing this toy, if that helps anyone.

As you can see in the photos, the Vamp has pretty prominent vein detailing on it. However, in silicone this soft, that texture goes completely unnoticed in my vagina. My vaginal walls just aren’t as good at picking that stuff out as my fingertips are. If you want a vagina to notice texture, it needs to be really big, quite firm, or both. As it is, it’s just a pleasing visual detail that adds to the realism. I mean, as realistic as a vaguely penis-like toy can get when it only comes in copper and purple.

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In use, I really love the tapered tip followed by the bulge at the coronal ridge. The taper makes it easier to insert, which my delicate flower of a vagina thoroughly appreciates. The bulge at the end of the head means the toy kinda locks into me and doesn’t want to slip out, which is something that I personally quite like. Something to note is that the Vamp has a completely straight shaft, which matters if you’re trying to target an internal erogenous zone such as the G-spot or prostate: it probably won’t do that. G-spot stimulation is also possible with bulbed heads, but I find that the head of the Vamp is moderate enough and soft enough that it doesn’t really do much to my G-spot. Admittedly, my G-spot is not very sensitive and likes very firm pressure, so your mileage may vary.

The thing I love this toy for is having a big squishy thing inside of me to clench around. I know that’s not going to do it for everyone, but boy does it do it for me. I don’t typically thrust dildos very much. Call it laziness, or possibly that I’m usually holding my phone with one hand and my vibe with the other. Or maybe I just like clenching on dildos. Especially during orgasm, when the vagina contracts involuntarily, I really like having something large and squeeze-able to contract around. The shape of this toy is pretty darn simple, but it works beautifully for that in ways that curved or bulbous toys don’t.

I think the other thing this toy is great for is size training. If you are someone like me, who’s pretty comfortable with dildos of 1.5″ diameter and wants one step up size wise, I can’t recommend this toy enough. The tapered tip combined with the squish makes the Vamp Super Soft a perfect introduction to larger toys. Soft materials make big toys easier to take, but they can make small toys feel underwhelming. Definitely take your own definitions of “small” and “big” into account when considering this toy, because they can vary so much from person to person.

If a great, squishy, moderately large, straight dildo sounds like your kind of party, pick up a Vamp Super Soft at Tantus or SheVibe!

The Vamp Super Soft was provided to me free of charge by Tantus in exchange for an honest, unbiased review. Thank you Tantus!

Materialism and My Dildo Collection

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I own a fair few dildos. Not nearly as many as some of my blogging idols, but way more than my non-sex-toy-geek friends. I love buying new dildos. I love the cool and interesting shapes they can come in, and I’m especially a fan of the beautiful colors you can find in indie and fantasy dildo craft shops. When there’s a sex toy in the mail on its way to me, I check the tracking frequently and get really excited and impatient as it gets closer. Unboxing is one of my favorite parts, when all the excitement comes to a head. I’ll spend several minutes fondling my new toy, being surprised by how different it looks in person, oohing and ahhing and taking pictures and just getting familiar with it.

But here’s the thing: I don’t really use my dildos terribly often. I love to acquire them and to have them and to look at what beautiful pieces of art some of them are, but I do less of the actual putting them in my holes. I have a fairly low libido to begin with, and a vagina that can be finicky about penetration. Many days, it’s a struggle to get anything bigger than one finger inside of myself without pain, and that’s no fun. It can take a really long time for me to warm up for my favorite toys, and it can be a tedious, painstaking process, with the constant threat of pain and an early end to the penetration if I dare to go to fast. I’m a busy person, and I don’t always have time for a long drawn out masturbation session. I usually just want to have a quick orgasm to relieve the tension and then get back to being busy. It’s just so much easier to come with a clit vibe and not do all that work. Maybe once a month I’ll have a really good session where I just want to put all the things in my vagina, but usually my insertables just sit around gathering dust (and lint.)

It seems terribly materialist, to like owning things that I don’t typically use for their intended purpose. I love to try out my dildos when they’re all shiny and new, but then I tend to gravitate towards a few favorites and don’t use the others. And yet, I love having them and I don’t want to give them up. To be fair, a large chunk of my dildo collection falls in the “not for everyday use” category: toys that are large, have a lot of texture, or are otherwise too intense for my vagina except when it’s being unusually cooperative. I’d hate to lose these toys because while I might only use them every couple of months, they’re absolutely amazing when I can take them.

I have a lot of guilty feelings about loving having things for the sake of having them. It feels shallow and superficial, like I’ve succumbed to the great capitalist machine that demands I be a rabid and conspicuous consumer. When I first starting accumulating dildos, I struggled with feeling like I couldn’t justify spending money on my sex life because my libido is rather low. How could I invest in something like my Magic Wand and then only use it every other week? I did eventually get past this, as demonstrated by how my sex toy storage is currently full to bursting. I decided that my sexuality is important to me, and that it’s okay for me to prioritize it. Also, it can be really difficult to know whether or not you’ll like a toy before you try it, and finding that some of them just don’t jive with your body is kind of inevitable.

These days, I try to take a step back and say “do I want that dildo because it’s pretty? because I like buying new presents for myself? or because I actually think I’ll use and enjoy it as a sex toy?” I still sometimes end up with pretty colorful sculptures that spend very little time in my vagina. I’m still working on balancing my love for acquiring new things with only acquiring things I actually want and think I’ll like. I’ll let you know how successful I am, based on how quickly I need yet another storage container for my sex toy collection.

The Daddy Diaries: On Switching

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After sharing a bit about both of my kink roles as a little girl and a Mommy Domme, I want to talk about switching. Being a switch is a bit odd sometimes. It can be strange, to so fully inhabit such drastically different roles. And yet, each of them feels right, and necessary, and good, and if you read my other pieces you know how important each of my roles are to me. It still surprises me sometimes that two wholly different headspaces can exist inside the same person. It feels contradictory.

When I get deep in a headspace it doesn’t occur to me that the other one exists. I’m not thinking about being in control while I’m on my knees in a collar. It doesn’t feel, in the moment, that I could be anything other than what I am right now. I’m too busy enjoying my role to consider that the pliant little boy in my arms was whipping me yesterday. After the moment, that’s when I think about it. That’s when I see how odd this must look from an outside perspective, like we can’t make up our minds or that we must be weirdly good at compartmentalizing. Maybe that last bit is true, I don’t know.

I do this thing sometimes where if I spend a decent amount of time in one role, or have a particularly intense scene in that role, the next day I’ll start craving the other role. It’s like the universe demands balance. I like this about the universe. I like the idea that my subconscious knows I need multiple kinds of emotional fulfillment, and pushes me to get it. I like that whichever role I’m playing, there will be love and nurturing and cherishing. I like that for us, ageplay lends itself to sweetness and caretaking, and that we can take care of each other in this way.

I definitely fall into my subby headspace more often than my dommy one. When I’m stressed or anxious or tired or otherwise craving comfort, I get little. To be dommy, I have to feel comfortable and un-stressed and awake. Dom me needs more brainpower and control and confidence. Luckily for me, my current partner is the opposite: he needs to feel comfortable, unstressed and safe to go into little space, and stress makes him want to take control of something he can control (namely, me). I’m stressed more often than not, thanks to my ambitious neurotic personality, so domspace is just harder for me to reach. Sometimes a good session of subbing will relax me enough that then a few hours after I’ll be able to dom. I dunno man, headspaces are weird and dynamic.

Sometimes I get imposter sydrome about being a switch. I’ll wonder if I’m just pretending to be a switch, or if I should just stick to one role. The thing is, I don’t have to. There’s no reason I shouldn’t embody both of my roles. I love being a switch who’s dating a switch because it gives me opportunity to do just that. I have nothing against switches who date people who aren’t switches, but I do think that for me, personally, the world is a much happier place when I can switch between headspaces.

I can’t imagine not being a switch. I love that it opens up so many worlds to explore. I love that I can try things from both sides and that I can understand my partner’s headspace better, having occupied a similar headspace myself. I love the balance of getting to switch back and forth with my partner. It feels right and good and whole, and my identity as a switch is just as important to me as my other two kink identities.

This is the third installment in The Daddy Diaries, a series on Daddy/Mommy kink, ageplay, my kink roles, and what they mean to me.

Tantus Little Flirt Review

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If you’ve read my other butt plug reviews, you may recall that I’ve been searching for the perfect everyday plug for quite some time now. For me, the perfect everyday plug would be easy to insert, stay put, not dry out too quickly, be comfortable for long term wear, and still provide some kind of sensation. I gotta say, the Tantus Little Flirt comes pretty darn close.

If you aren’t aware, I have strong feelings about butt plug bases.  The Little Flirt has the same anchor style base as the Tantus Neo, and I love it. It’s small, unobtrusive, and comfortable. It also has the same silky smooth texture as the Neo, which I also love. It’s soft and luscious and causes much less friction than either a glossy or a matte finish. If Tantus ever makes a dildo with this finish, I’ll be first in line. This is the updated version of the Little Flirt, and I think it’s a great decision Tantus is redesigning all their butt plugs to have this “satin” finish and the anchor base- it makes for really good butt plugs.

It’s a very small plug, with a max diameter of 0.8″. Tantus calls it “beginner friendly” and I have to agree. The diminutive size paired with the tapered tip and gentle increase and decrease in size makes it ideal for someone who’s just getting started with this whole butt stuff thing. My butt quite enjoys being stretched, so I was more looking for a plug for warm up and casual wear.

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I was really missing having a very small plug for warming up; it makes life a lot easier. Sometimes I can take the njoy Pure Plug Medium with no warm up, some days it’s uncomfortably large and firm without a solid warm up. The Little Flirt fills this niche in my toybox perfectly. It’s really easy to insert due to shape and texture. I let it stay there for a while as I get more aroused and get used to the feeling of something up my butt, and then I can take it out and move on to something bigger. There is a flipside to this: If I leave it in my butt while masturbating, there usually comes a point where I’m so turned on and relaxed that it doesn’t give me much sensation anymore. Also, I don’t always need it. There was one day when I pulled out the Little Flirt to be a warmup plug, and ended up skipping directly from fingers to my Neo. My butt was being a champ that day and didn’t need that extra warming up step. Butts are fickle, and I like having multiple sizes around so I can easily cater to my butt’s unpredictable whims.

So how does this plug fare for casual wear? Well, I’ve worn it around the house, doing dishes, sitting, etc. It went pretty well. It doesn’t stay in place quite as snugly as a front-loaded plug with more of a bulb shape. The bottom half of the plug and the neck kind of meld together, and the larger middle can slide down a little, prompting me to push it back all the way into my butt. I find that sitting straight on it puts uncomfortable pressure on my insides, so I tend to avoid sitting directly on the center of my butt while wearing it. The Little Flirt is very comfortable to wear for long periods of time, without getting pokey or an unpleasant too-much-stretching feeling. The silicone toy + water based lube combo does dry out fairly quickly and I occasionally need to remove it to reapply lube. You might remember from my njoy Pure Plug review that I loved the Pure Plug for intense stimulation, but for walking around, it didn’t feel like it was going to stay in and quickly became uncomfortable. The Little Flirt is pretty much the opposite of that. It’s easy to insert, doesn’t feel very intense, and stays put and feels comfortable while walking around.

This plug is great if you’re new to butt stuff, prefer small toys anally, need a warm up toy, or want something to wear while you fold laundry. If you need something larger, try the Tantus Neo, and if you’re looking for G-spot/prostate stimulation, try the njoy Pure Plugs. The Little Flirt is a comfortable, reliable little plug, and I’m happy to have it in my collection. You can find the Little Flirt at Tantus and SheVibe!

The Daddy Diaries: Little Girl

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Life feels like a power struggle to me. I fight every day to be in control, grasping for a firm footing in this world. I do all I can to stay in charge and in control and to keep my emotions in check and play by the rules. I have to be fierce and strong and on top of things all the time so that I don’t screw them up or get screwed over, and it’s exhausting. It’s such a relief to let someone else be in charge and trust that they won’t let me down, that for an hour at least I can let someone else make the decisions and not have to be smart or strong. I’m so tired of trying to be in charge of my life, of making plans and lists and contingencies and still getting sideswiped by circumstance. Curling up in a onesie and sucking a paci and being held by someone who loves me dearly, these are things that belong to someone who doesn’t have to worry about the world or about trying to carve out a foothold in it. Someone like that can just enjoy tactile sensations without having to think about them. That person is safe and loved and will never be otherwise.

Wanting someone else to be in charge applies to all kinds of submission, of course. For me, there’s something special about ageplay. Between a child and their caretaker there’s such a complete helplessness, and ideally, total trust and love. I want to feel smaller than, less than, and know that’s just fine, that’s not a bad thing, it’s just the way it is. I want to be nurtured and loved and cared for, coddled and treated gently, and know that I’m not in charge and that’s okay. I crave a loving kind of submission, a sweet kind of dominance to submit to.

When I’m little, I also feel physically small, like the world is too big. My mind is usually so busy and frantic, overthinking and worrying and constantly spewing thoughts. It shrinks down to the world immediately surrounding me. Physical sensations feel all-encompassing, emotions are intense, my whole universe is Daddy’s arms. I desperately want to be good and safe and comforted. Everything comes in fuzzy waves and it’s all so much. I’m a little helpless and a lot needy. It’s like all the needs and wants I bury in order to be a functional adult come to the surface and get to be addressed. I admit how much I desperately want to be loved.

Little space is like a floating bubble of soft fuzzy light. It’s a lack of having to constantly inhibit myself. I don’t have to control myself because I have someone who will do it for me. I’m so very bad at being content. I’m too ambitious, too antsy, too restless, too dysthymic.  I work too hard and I have a hard time relaxing. Little me can relax. Little me is better at being content. Little me is content to be still and know that I am loved. And really, that’s all I need sometimes.

This is the second installment in The Daddy Diaries, a series on Daddy/Mommy kink, ageplay, my kink roles, and what they mean to me.